I'm fine 4-18-2024
Dear Diary,
These last few years has been the toughest and even still when people would ask me if I were okay I always said I was fine, but I wonder what would have happened if I had been honest if I had said I was afraid, lonely, dealing with drug abuse and suicidal ideation. People always wanted to know how I lost so much weight in so little time but the truth is I don't know because it was all a blur I guess I got tired of the underhanded remarks the funny stares and feeling like I always took up too much space that I thought starving had to be better a option than that feeling. It was my skin cleared people looked at me differently, they treated me differently my confidence was higher and then I wanted a job and I got one but I never felt like I fit in there, never felt like anything I'd ever do would be good enough, never felt wanted there didn't feel any belonging didn't feel like I was meant to be there but, I stayed because people were counting on me and when they asked I said I was fine or pushing through but I wasn't I was afraid and lonely, dealing with drug abuse and suicidal ideation and then I wanted someone to talk to, to tell all of these things, and I had someone.I thought having someone would make me feel better and it did sometimes, sometimes it was the only reason woke up, because I knew that I would have that good morning text and I knew that they knew that I was afraid, lonely dealing with drug abuse and suicidal ideation.I didn't have to hide who was, or how I felt even if it wasn't normal to say out loud or socially acceptable, for once I didn't feel so lonely but then they disappeared, and again when people asked how I was doing, I said I was fine or pushing through but really I was still scared and lonely and dealing with drug abuse and suicidal ideation but what if I said that 2 years ago I wonder if that would have changed anything, I wonder if I could have been a better employee a better friend a better relative a better mother a better me, If I had spoke the truth would it have made a difference? could I have saved myself from my own detriment? I guess it's fine now because I'm still just pushing through.
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