First Entry,
Sometimes I just have to stop and write things down on a piece of paper. Typically, only when I find myself with a ton of contradicting feelings about one particular thing. I don't have anyone to talk to. Writing it down just seems like a good first effort to try and figure out if I'm paranoid, or if I should trust my gut. Here goes.
Could she be cheating on me? Or unfaithful to our relationship in any kind of way? I haven't caught her red-handed. I haven't found any messages that I will call inappropriate. I haven't seen her act weird around anyone. It's just a few minute little changes in her actions that are all too familiar. A few years back, I started hanging out with a bad crowd and got addicted to a pretty hard drug. She knew, but I denied it. We fall back and forth, but we loved each other. And then I got fed up with the nagging, and regretfully, I put my hands on her. She wasn't hurt. I didn't hit her. But I grabbed her. Hard! I left bruises around her neck and I was embarrassed to call myself a man. I went to jail for a few weeks and that sucked, but not seeing or speaking to the woman I love, nor my son, for over 4 months after I got out, literally almost killed me. I knew I had a problem with addiction, but I was a functioning addict. I went to work everyday. I worked hard and I brought home a paycheck. She was a recovering addict, so I thought that she would be more understanding as I was trying to work through it. I guess it was the lies, for her, because I never once admitted to her that she was right. I just wanted her to have a sincere conversation with me and tell me that she was going to stand by my side, no matter what. If she had done that, then I would have admitted everything to her and checked myself into a rehab center. But it was always yelling and screaming. Even when I hadn't done anything wrong, I guess the thought of me constantly lying to her and being high around her was just enough to irritate her really badly. I had to keep telling myself that I was a good man and that I was doing all that I could to provide. That was the only way I could keep my head up. There were a few minor setbacks once I got out, but I got clean within 90 days. And the time that we were apart, she was with a lot of different guys. She doesn't know that I'm aware of how many. She says it was only two. Nah! She turned into a "Good Time Girl," and rightfully so, she didn't want to admit that to me. It really bothered me that it only took a little over 2 weeks for her to sleep with someone else. It's still eats at me. I was so easily replaceable. We went to court, and ultimately she told her attorney that she didn't want me to get locked up, and that she wanted to lessen the severity of the charges. I ended up getting 2 years of probation, and intensive 12 week psycho-therapy class, a parenting class, and an 8 hour anger management class. It was tough. I was putting a lot of work into myself and even though I hadn't expressed it to her, I was fighting to get her back. I didn't know if it was possible or if I was even worthy of being forgiven, but I was sober, thinking clearly, and proud of myself. She was dating someone at this time, and he was a real loser. An alcoholic that will always be an alcoholic. I've known him for about 20 years, and he is no friend of mine. Over those years we have been in four altercations with each other. I'll give it to him, he's not scared of a fight, but I won every fight hands down. It would probably really surprise you if you saw us standing beside each other because he's 8 in taller and 50 lb heavier than I am. But I was always small, and I had to learn how to stand up for myself. And boy did I do just that. She didn't know about our past, but she loves to hang around to the fact that she felt that Justin would just smash me if we were to get into a fight. I just kept quiet. Her and I got closer and we ended up getting back together. We dated for about 4 months and she left me on my birthday. She went straight back to him. She would eventually come to tell me that she had unblocked him from Facebook and text messages about a week before my birthday and she went to see him and spend time with him 2 days before my birthday. She said that he kind of suckered her in because he has stopped drinking. Honestly, she had to unblock him for him to be able to do that. She swears up and down and nothing happened when she went to visit him. That's probably a lie, but I'll never know. 3 months later, she expressed to me that she wanted her and I to take it slow, as friends, and work towards keeping our family together if it were possible. She didn't want to be with him anymore because he went back to drinking. I remember thinking to myself, "Is this just a competition of who fucks her the best? Why does she keep playing with us?" However, she was the woman that I loved and I just wanted to be enough for her. We took it slow over the next month or so. We spent Christmas together. We went out for New Years Eve and had an amazing time. About a week later, I found out that she never stopped talking to him. She was even going to see him from time to time, but according to her, only at his job. I was more hurt than I was angry. She changed his name under her contact list in her phone. She confessed the whole thing to me. Horizon behind doing what she did was that she was just confused. I laid it down for her as best I could by telling her that I understand that in the past I had done her wrong. I told her more lies than I could ever keep up with, and I'm sure I put a few miles of wear and tear on her heart. I explained to her as clearly as I knew how, that her and my son were my whole reason for getting sober. They were my strength. I asked her to try really hard not to compare me to the man that I was then. I immediately told her that I forgive her for the game she was playing with my heart, but that if she wanted to be a family then she needed to either call him right there in front of me, or take me to his house, or block all forms of communication and let me know if he tried to contact her again. She agreed to block him. It was my ultimatum, but I let her off too easy. I firmly believe that if someone does something once then they are very prone to doing it again. It may not be with him, but I think she is doing it again. A week r so ago I asked her what was wrong. I told her that she had seemed a bit off for a few days, and that if there was anything she needed to talk about, then I was all ears. She immediately told me that she was fine. It went on like this for a few days where I would randomly ask her if she was okay because she was staring off into space and it appeared that she was deep in thought. She was just different. Then three nights ago, I asked her again. She quite literally let all of her feelings out on me. She told me that she knew that I had gotten back on drugs. This was extremely hurtful to me because I'm very proud of getting clean for my family. I was 11 months clean to the day when she said that. I remained calm as best I could. I asked her what I had done to make her think that I was on drugs again. She couldn't really give me an answer and she still hasn't. The next day was a very long day at work. I came home, I sat down on the edge of the bed, and I woke up at 6:00 a.m. when my alarm clock went off. I was waiting for her to text me and tell me that she was off work because normally she'll come by and see me before she goes home, and I guess I just dozed off. She left me nine text messages to read, and none of them were very nice. When she didn't hear from me after work, she went to the car wash to try and clean her truck. She sent me that in a message. A few minutes later, she messages me again saying that the change machine wouldn't take dollars so she had to go get change. A little while later she messages me talking about how I'm ghosting her, and how she bets I will message her the next day saying that she has accused me of being a drug addict, and feeling sorry for myself and trying to make everything her fault. Then she tells me that she's at home, but turns around an hour later and tells me that she is going to pick up her friend and take her to pick up a bag of weed. On a normal night, none of these things happen. The next morning I wake up and I read all of the messages. I tell her good morning and I asked her what hours she is working, and I let her know that I simply fell asleep. I also asked her why she didn't call me because she knows my text messages don't wake me up. Then, I asked her why she didn't just come by the house. Her answer was that she knew that I wasn't at the house and she didn't want to be hurt like that. She accused me of going out partying all night and ignoring her. If you go back to the very beginning of everything I started writing today, this is what I was referring to when I said that it all felt too familiar. She does have a tendency to be a very narcissistic person. I've noticed in the past that whenever she said or did anything that made her feel guilty, then she would immediately find a reason to make me feel more guilty for something so that it would take the bullseye off of her back. It's never failed that when she's done things like this she was feeling guilty for doing something, and this time I want to know what it is. I don't know how to find what I'm looking for. I can get my hands on her phone, but what am I looking for. She's really smart. She really doesn't have much to say when she's around me, but once she gets home she calls me baby with every other word and it really confuses me. Then, I get that message saying "Goodnight. I'm going to bed." I think she's doing it again.
This was pretty long, but if anyone made it to the end, and was able to relate, or could help with any of theit own input, please do. I overthink, but I'm confident. Anything helps.
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