I hope you're doing well. Even if it feels like I don't care about you, it's probably not true. I'm sorry for standing in the distance and not saying hi to your hello. I think I'm in a place, where it feels impossible to pretend I'm okay. I'd be happier if you didn't have to see it. I wish nobody did. And yet deep down I know I can't make it alone. Deep down I know, if I really wanted to get better, I would ask for help. With every thought I have during the day I feel like I'm betraying people who care about me. I still believe some people do. I don't understand why though, because in their place I wouldn't. I would probably hate myself a similar way like I do now. How funny it is to feel sorry for the people who believe I deserve their attention. I wish I could delete their memories and silently disappear from their world.
How does writing these words calms me down this much?