Dear Diary,
You have shown me time and time again
through reading my journals of the past , in my own words my life’s experiences over the years .
I am always able to find splice in the gained perception the provide . A hindsight of definitive proof of the progress I am sometimes so blind I have made through all my past trips around the sun
I look back into the archives of the spiral binder and gathered pages now and then when I’m feeling stuck or lost
reading them from years back I can still feel how I felt writing them , back in those moments of pain, struggle , hardships and heartbreaks or . it was all that mattered .all I could see . , not able to envision a time in which those things would ever stop or become obsolete to my existence or have affect on my life any longer .
I am constantly made aware as reading them paired with current hindsight relived
i can see just how wrong I was . How blinded into worm holes .
over and over again , Seeing no way out .
I read them and now say to myself . Wow. If you only knew what was coming you way . Things you’d never imagine . Things that once you finally made space for filled you with so much more joy and contentment , more than you saw coming .
But most of all the tears . They stopped . The hurt . It got easier
And yet still I get so wrapped up in the now . why can’t I break that cycle . Even with my own written proof
I know there are so any things this world has planned for me .
I know there are so many great things headed my way , and yet I being to write again these days with such anguish and dead end thinking
Debating over and over things I already know in my gut the answers to.
Beating my brain into mush on if I am making the right choices . Should I have even chosen to act. if I want to continue to peruse things I once wanted so bad but now coming to for fear of the unknown . so hard to let go of.