this letter is to one of the most special person in my life, we haven't been on talking terms recently, so my first question is, how are you? Are you doing alright? How have you been? I know you had many important things going on recently, I hope they went well, how have you been holding up? I wonder if these two months have been hard for you as they have been for me, gods I hope not, but if they have did you cry your heart out? Or are you still heavy with carrying the burden of emotions in hidden parts of you? I have so much to say, but second thing I want to tell you is I miss you, so horribly, how many times have I burst into tears thinking about our friendship? At the same time, I am unsure if I want to go back to what we were, past few months or maybe years have been to rough on us, were we starting to be each others guilty pleasure? That one toxic friend you cannot leave, the one friend who is not really toxic but situations and us end up hurting each other in the face of trying to protect each other and ourselves?
I want to hug you, and tell you how hard life has been, I feel so lonely and empty and clueless above all lost, I feel so small. I hate feeling small. I have so many friends but why am I lonely all day? Why don't I talk to anyone and anyone to me anymore?
I wonder if you feel the same as I do, if you feel like you are slowly breaking apart, I doubt it because it was always easier for you, to move forward, to let people go, to find new reasons. I wish I could be like you, why do I have to stay so timid and sad, why do I still wait for you to come back? But is that me talking or my anxiety? just maybe you feel the same way, and a part of me wants that -the selfish one- but also a part of me -the one which loves you- doesn't want you to be in that pain.
I hope you are living happily, and I hope you think of me every once in few days, that would be enough I guess, I love you <3 thank you for being my home, my comfort and happiness for so long <3 thank you for being my friend