According to my receipt at the parking garage I sat at coffee for like 5 hours and 15 minutes today waiting and hoping Hiba showed up so I could buy her half of a muffin. Like. I don't know. I laughed at myself when I saw the time when I left. I was so hungry and didn't wanna be there. But at the same time I did. I felt like such crap leaving. Not because I stayed that long though, but because she wasn't there. If I stayed for 5 hours and she showed up it would have all been worth it. I would have gone today regardless of her. But I certainly stayed much longer than I wanted for her.
I'm not even sure what to think or feel. The funny thing about me is I clearly have a type: alt/goth girl. But they just inherently seem like such walking red flags that I don't even think I want one. Or maybe it's a lack of confidence because I don't really fit the alt look that I feel that they want. I'm not sure. It's definitely both things, but as much as I am attracted to alt girls I don't even realistically entertain the idea because I see them as trouble or unstable or unhealthy.
So what is my type then? I feel like everyone has a type. Like oh I like red heads or I like girls with thick thighs or I like alt girls and it's just like. Idk? Obviously alt girls but that seems to be more fantasy than reality. They just seem like trouble. Or too much work. Or idk. So if not that, then what? I feel like an honest answer is that I don't really have a true type. All I can say is that there is something about some people that just instantly pull you to them. Like I have sexual preferences, but is that a type? I like girls with big boobs but beyond looking at someone as a sexual object, what do I actually want out of someone physical? Like just being pretty is boring. Stereotypical pretty girls do nothing for me. They seem plain and boring. But that isn't at all to say that the people I'm drawn to aren't pretty. It's just that they aren't the kind of "girl with painfully white teeth smiling in a Colgate commercial" pretty.
I remember asking Ally last winter if people our age get crushes. Like the kind of feelings you would get back in high school and it was a resounding yes. I know that it was kind of a dumb question to ask her specifically in hindsight, because she felt that way about me, but it was almost this like cry out into the universe. I can't remember who I was seeing at the time, but it had been a few dates and it just like. It felt like nothing? Like all of the people I've dated? I enjoy the first few times. I enjoy the company. But after a bit when I realize I don't actually feel anything for them and the initial "thrill of the hunt" type shit wears off I just don't have an interest anymore. Like there isn't that butterfly feeling. It was just logic for me. I've always wondered how much of that is because I'm sick and how much of it is because I haven't met a good match or because I'm still fairly new to this all or because it's on a fucking app.
I want to feel those butterflies. I want to have a crush. I spent 5 hours in a coffee shop today just hoping someone shows up. I really didn't have anything better to do, but I could have been doing literally anything else in the world. The thought of seeing her excites me. She's captivatingly beautiful. She has the most piercing eyes. She's so well dressed and put together. She's all I've been thinking of since we first met. Knowing me I'll be back at the coffee shop again tomorrow, looking up every two minutes in hopes of seeing her walk through the door.
I was there Friday waiting for her and these two guys did open mic. I sat along and sang to their stuff. They were really cool. The girls next to me were also musicians and sang along. They all chatted after. At the end, the one girl next to me randomly asked if I was a musician too because I was singing along and I laughed and said no and she said something like "oh well you have a really nice voice for not being a musician". Which feels kind of backhanded when you think about it but she completely meant well. It was really nice to here. I left wanting to try and actually learn how to sing for the first time ever. Ally would tell me the same thing. I think I could be half decent if I tried. And there's something about singing and music and live shows that just do something to me. It would be great to actually know what I'm doing. Anyways, I ran into the one black dude with really great hair on the way and he was such a genuine person and he gave me his shameless plug card and we chatted for a minute and shook hands and I was on my way. It was a good night, a good time, good social interaction, it was just real and good. So despite the fact that she didn't show up that night, I still walked away with a smile on my face.