Everyone's damaged, a little depressed.
Every now and then we get that feeling in our chest.
Some days I'm a loser... brush my teeth in the dark.
Head above water, in a swimming pool of Sharks.
It's hard to get up out of bed when everything is on it's head and nothing seems to make any sense.
Like a band aid on a bleeding heart I fake a smile and fall apart and no one knows I'm a wreck.
When the world is on your shoulders and the weight of your own heart is too much to bear...
Well I know that you're afraid things will always be this way.
Its just a bad day not a bad life.
Everything is backwards and I'm hanging on.
No matter how hard I try I always come undone.
Backed in a corner, uncomfortably numb.
Watching myself become a shadow of someone.
It's hard to find a place to hide when you're running from what's inside.
No matter where you go, there you are...
So tonight I'll go to war with me cuz I'm my own worst enemy and I don't want to fight anymore.
Well I know it feels so hopeless..
I know how close to the edge you are to the edge right now.
Things won't always be this way, It's just a bad day... Not a bad life.
**↑↑↑Lyrics to "Bad Life - Acoustic" by Bring Me The Horizon & Sigrid↑↑↑**
Here are my thoughts on the lyrics...
I appreciate when a song makes me feel strongly. Sometimes I start to believe that I've lost the ability to feel emotions... And then I take the time and intention to sit back, breathe, and listen to something... Without multi-tasking.
Today I went for a walk on my lunch break. The weather is beautiful and I felt alive. I wish that every day could be like this. I wish that my brain would activate like this every day. But I have enough experience now to know that simply can't be.
Without those bad days, without those bad YEARS, I couldn't appreciate days like today. Nothing outstanding is happening today, just your standard Tuesday. But I feel upbeat, I feel motivated, I feel alive. It helps that I took Modafinil & Phenibut.. But I can't do that every day. I so deeply wish that I could feel like this on my own, with no supplements or nootropics.
But it's okay. Everything that I wish for isn't going to come true. But that doesn't make it a bad life. It makes it...simply life.
In this song.. The line that connects with me deepest goes like this:
"Everything is backwards and I'm hanging on.
No matter how hard I try I always come undone.
Backed in a corner, uncomfortably numb.
Watching myself become a shadow of someone.
It's hard to find a place to hide when you're running from what's inside.
No matter where you go, there you are...
So tonight I'll go to war with me cuz I'm my own worst enemy and I don't want to fight anymore."
That is ME. I feel like I'm watching myself become a shadow of who I used to be... I'm only running from myself, my problems, my fears, my guilt, my shame, etc. I've cut out all of the negative people in my life. But there's always going to be me.
I'm the only one that can fight this war. Every time I feel like I'm seeing a light out of this depression... that I'm making steps towards a better life and this cloud of depression NOT hanging over me... I fall back into the well. Every time I think I've had an epiphany on how to get through this life 'happy', the world reveals her unrelenting power upon me.
My epiphany this time is simply this - You're going to have bad days. There is no getting around that. My goal isn't to have a perfect life, a perfect existence. That is a futile effort. My goal is to have more good days than bad days.
For me, that means drinking less alcohol, being more present, being more intentional, and being more grateful.
Thank you for reading.
-SKJ