July 11, 2022

Dear Diary,

Part 2 of my noted subjects to rant about. 

I feel that because of the type of person I am, I may be just destined to be alone. I'm such a complicated person and I say that with sadness. I wish I was easy for people to understand, I wish I could understand my girlfriend better, I wish I was physically attractive, I wish my relationship insecurities would disappear so I didn't get jealous everytime my girlfriend was hanging out with other guys, I wish I didn't make petty mistakes, I wish I was extroverted so I could communicate with people and more importantly my girlfriend better, I wish I could satisfy my girlfriend on both physically and emotional levels, I wish I didn't feel like my girlfriend would be happier with someone else, and I wish I could make someone feel loved the way I want to feel loved. 

Everything about me is a red flag, the only genuine quality about me that I can atleast have some sense of pride in is that I'm loyal but what does that account for if I lack in every other aspect? What's the point in saying "I love you" if I can't make her feel loved, whats the point in being jealous and territorial if her friends give her a better time than I can, why spend time with her when I'm too stupid to think of anything to say, why tell her how happy we are gonna be together in a couple years when I'll probably disappoint her, ugh I'm just so fucking useless. I think I know she loves me but I just don't believe she will stay, whether it be because she's tired of me or because she finds someone better I don't think she's gonna stick around. I just don't possess what it takes to keep someone happy from so far away. Of course I'll try but that's all I can do. It's just seems unfathomable that anyone would care to deal with me for any longer than a few months.