Dear Diary, I just don't know what to do anymore. My lonelines is driving me insane. I can't even sleep much even more because I'm constantly awake trying to find some possibility that I haven't considered yet. Having that kind of relationship I wanted is such a bug part of what I wanted in life, without it I just cant feel whole at all. Even if it lasted just a month or something at least I would know what it actually feels like. But I never will. Maybe I should have prioritized making money instead of studying what I'm interested in. I would hate my life working something that I dont like the whole day, but maybe then I could at least have a relationship in my free time. I never thought that my potential girlfriend was so superficial about finances, but maybe she is? Is that why nobody likes me? Or maybe I should try to act like I'm in some way LGBTQ, so that way I won't have the curse of being a man anymore. I could just say I'm genderfluid or something, no need to be Trans. Maybe then people wouldnt expect these male behaviours like flirting from me anymore. I just don't know what to do. People always said to me that I would find someone eventually. But they said that more than 10 years ago too. And its too late now. My youth is over. That dream of being in that relationship with someone who is also in college and we have these similar ideas while we figure our lives out is not possible anymore. I'm just too old and I cant stay in college much longer. And since I never had that I never figured out my life and never will. Without someone who understands me who I can talk to I'm just all alone and life is so meaningless. Even good friends dont mean much since I cant talk about this with them either, I cant hug them, I cant be actually close to them.
It all comes down to the way society has gendered dating and made it mandatory to play this cruel game of predator and victim. I hope we will have gender neutral dating in my lifetime. Even if it wont help me anymore I just want to see others be free from this curse of flirting. I want to see shy men being asked out and hugged. I want to see healthy communication between people instead of mind games. I want to live in a world where women don't have to be afraid of men anymore. I won't even be jealous I promise.
This week has been really terrible. I have Covid and I am still stuck on thinking avout Spike even though I'm sure he has a boyfriend. It's just that imaginging her to be that nerdy girlfriend I always wanted who actually likes me is all I have at the moment. But at the same time it pains me because I know I will never actually have that. Last monday was an up and down. I had written down what homework we had for Japanese because Spike had been absent the last week. But I forgot one page even though my description was otherwise detailed. It didnt matter much but I felt so bad. Then I actually talked to Spike a lot. We played memore with Japanese colors. We talked about anime from our childhood, she seemed like she really wanted to talk to me. Afterwards that one guy had organized us to go out to eat. But Spike said she had to visit her grandma in the hospital. She was gone so fast I didnt think quick enough to wish her grandma get well soon. Maybe it was better that Spike didnt come since in that bigger group of people I couldnt sozialize at all. That one guy who organized talked the whole time about how awesome he is and how much he knows. But the girls said they were cold and I wanted to go to, so I asked the waitress if we could pay about one hour after we had eaten. Maybe he hated me for that, becausw suddenly he made fun of me for not talking much and said I would send him "deathstares". It was bizarre. I really had nothing against him. I just said Ok...? and quickly went inside the train apart from the others. On Wednesday I tried giving the homework to someone else (in the Whatsapp group so everyone could see) but I got the page wrong and now Spike probably thinks Im super unreliable. Then I got covid and I cqnt go today and I missed another opportunity to wish her grandma well. Everything is just too much right now, I need to sleep