May 02, 2022

Dear anyone, I have messed up so much in life and hurt so many people that I do not know how to function anymore. Everything feels jumbled and confusing, I try to interact with life as if it's an rpg so I can hold on to that last piece of sanity I have left. I treat it as an rpg but, there's no restart button. I want to restart, I've done too much experimenting that I've ruined my own brain. My desire to have a gentle mom who doesn't smoke, or use "adult humor", what I mean is I wanted a mom who would hug me and try to really understand this generations view instead of telling me to ignore everyone who hurts me and kind of tells hurtful words when I do cry and have enough, and to tell me to try to fit in with the people I'm not even comfortable with just so we can have free money. I respect my mom, I have a sense of respect but I do talk back sometimes. I shout when the scribbles in my head become complicated and painful, I try to defend myself from a opinion of me that I fully believe is not true. I keep hearing their gossips about me everytime I go out, every action seems to have a joke or comment. I'm a teen, I don't know what to do. Am I prideful as my aunt says? Am I self centered? Am I too mean for forgetting to say good morning to my dear elder folks? Oh how I really wish to talk with them if they didn't feel so intimidating. I don't know what to do, or write. I feel like a terrible person. I want help but money problems. And when my own relatives see me cry they tend to emotionally distance themselves from me and try to ease the awkward vibe by joking. I don't know what to feel or even think, should I even think? But I'm a terrible person. I had an outburst on my old friend because they kept asking for my candy. I tried to explain to my mother that I'm not trying to be mean by keeping all of the candy for myself, and not by sharing it to my sister, which I was gonna give some but I don't know. I live with these people everyday and I don't know how to face them after having a big argument with each of them about how they treat us children like dogs. I don't know? That's how I feel. I don't know.