April 18, 2022

Personally, I never liked the idea of beginning an entry with “dear diary” i think it’s ridiculous, but thats not the point of my entry truth is, i have so much going on with family and friends and my “boyfriend”. i never been one to open up but im tired of always keeping things to myself. I wish they could all see things from my perspective so they can understand a bit of why i react the way i do or why i feel certain things i do, see i was never one to get thing’s handed to me i worked for everything i have, i sadly never lived with my parents, they were to unstable to keep children so my brother sister and i were separated at a young age i still however keep in touch with them, you see i don't let the fact that i didnt live with them affect me, but i can see how much its affected everyone else how much of a burden i can be and sometimes i want to escape the hell we call life, i love my family but i can see the difference between me and their actual children its a big difference really but even so i know they try , my dad recently came around it nice to see him again, its nice getting to know him and see how much he has matured, im not angry at him nor do i hold a grudge against him. My parents did make our childhood traumatizing i remember really horrible things but in the end the things that happened in the passed help shape me into the person i am today and if i still lived with them who knows where the hell i would be. But bc of this i noticed i have trust issues with everyone and anyone. Because of things that happened in my passed i was forced to grow up to fast. I never really was able to enjoy my childhood, now i really dislike hanging out with anyone my age. I feel like they are all to naive and dumb, i like older people and thats a sad confession, sometimes i wish i could find interest in people my age but i just cannot they have far to much to learn about life, and see i have a “boyfriend” although im not really sure i can call him that we have been together for 5 years and he promised me the world he said i was his and no one else’s he has brought me so much joy and showed me so much about life that i was oblivious to he also was the first to take my prized possession away, i guess you can say that’s why I’m very attached to him, he’s my everything and recently i found out he had been talking to other women, he hasn’t gone out with them or anything but he has talked to them and it hurt me it really did because i thought i was his everything He said i was his and no one elses, he would literally pick me up so i can spend time with him every weekend sometimes during the week…. one night i remember he was going through some personal things  and he couldn’t hold it in anymore so he started to cry and i remember looking into his eyes and hugging him and we kissed for a long time we were outside that night and it was a full moon and so many stars it was beautiful he means everything to me we weren’t dating but he sure as hell made me feel special and important, and still he tells me how they don’t mean anything to him but i know he’s just using me and confusing me im young and my life is just starting out, recently graduated from high school , but yet all these problems are so overwhelming, anyways this is the end of my entry but i guess get ready for more bc this is just a small portion of everything thats really going on in life