Dear Diary,
This is the first time I am using you. It seems this is my usual way of existence, to use people and things and have a one way relationship with everyone and everything. It is madness however this is the normal way humans live and hence no one will flag me as an aberration or as abnormal.
Lately I have started to see how foolishly isolated I am. All my work is just to ensure that I am safe and that my future is safe and that people around me keep caring for me especially during the time when I need them. The horror of this truth is so difficult to accept and acknowledge that I only see it in glances and then it vanishes in favor of another stupid endevor of self preservation or habit or just another day of a meaningless life.
My whole last week was very challenging. I was forced to wake up early and not drown myself in TV or some other engrossing activity. I had to keep myself awake and it's such a difficult task. I was restless and irritated and yet it was suppose to be one of the precious times of my life. I know that's how I will remember it. My son and wife were visiting me.
Have spent quite some time deciding how much donation I should give out every month. I have decided to give almost what I used to spend on my monthly cigarette consumption and yet this amount seemed so big and yet this amount is so small and yet this amount is going to be so meaningful for the people who need it.
Human brain is so silly and incapable and it has created such a silly and evil world where the lucky and clever of us are wasting our life earning more and more, scared of the future and oblivious of the today and the unlucky among us have so less to get through the day and are living in unimaginably horrible condition and yet the lucky among us won't and can't reach out to them and share what we have with them. That's the horror of the primitiveness and absurdity of the human brain.
In such a world, no one can be happy. It's no wonder that we are getting more and more depressed as we are becoming more and more capable of looking around and seeing how isolated we have become and how lonely we are. We all are same, we all are wrapped up in our own insecure world, striving for our own selfish motives, living for our own shallow self and there is so little we can do to change it.