October 04, 2021

Dear Diary, 5 days spent on youtube, this month alone somehow. I messed up. I know, i feel like i sold my soul or something, like there is nothing left. I was just studying, but stopped because I realized that my notes are absolute garbage, and that my plan of creating flashcards from notes is too time consuming and that maybe i better just read the textbook. Id get up and leave rn but im in the middle of a focusmates session. When i get overwhelmed and frusturated like this I start to physically feel like I weigh 1000 pounds, it gets hard to think rationally at all, i have trouble forming thoughts, words, i feel emotionally and mentally exhausted with no way out. I immedietly lose the will to live. Its just such a torturous state of mind. It doesn't matter what puts me in this mental state, as soon as im overwhelmed and feel trapped in a situation I condemmed myself to in the past what can I do? How can I change the past when its done? Its all so permanent and im stuck in a scenerio that is unavoidable with no way out. Its so hard to mentally cope, Ive been crying all night and today as well, I cant live like this anymore.