To whomever is listening.
I chose to start an online diary because... Well, I honestly am not sure. I suppose I have these thoughts intruding on my every day life, that of which I cannot ignore. They eat at my being and make me question who I am, and what I'm doing with my life. I'm anonymous and will forever stay that way on here, because a lot of these intruding thoughts have to do with my sexual preferences and the questions I still have at age 25 about myself when it comes to sex. I think I am lying to myself and to everyone around me about who I am or who I want to be, even who I have been. I suppose it isn't uncommon for a woman my age to question these things but when you're married and settled, it can cause your whole world to turn upside down. I live my life this certain way, with these particular people, and I have had these plans planned out for the rest of my life, and now... Do I even want those things anymore? Do I want to be married to this amazing, good-hearted man when I'm so intensely attracted to everything that is the opposite of him? I feel so horrible saying that, and I know I'm being lusty, and maybe that's normal to still have "what ifs" when you're married, but I don't know. I am in love with my husband, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I ask myself, what if I had actually been with this rough around the edges guy who I turned down so many years ago? Where would my life be right now? Would I be having wild sex in hotel rooms and be more spontaneous and wear scantily clad dresses at bars and clubs? Surely, I wouldn't be sitting home all the time reading books and fantasizing about a more promiscuous life for myself. I'm really into toxicity. I know that's stupid. I know it's so ungrateful to wish that about my life, but I just want some fire. I want to fight and get angry. I want to break up and make up. I want to have wild break up sex that leaves me breathless and still pissed but spent. Of course, I want the sweetness sometimes, and the laughter. Flowers before dates, and holding hands in the car. I've met so many men that just lit a fire inside of me, but I chose to do what was best for me and avoid those men, and give myself to men who were deserving and kind. On one hand, I love that I was so protective of myself but on the other hand... I wish I just said fuck it and let myself have those experiences. Now because I played it safe, I have all these unfulfilled needs and fantasies that will forever be in the back of my mind, and sometimes voicing these things could cost me the entire life I've built up for myself. I don't think that'd be worth it, obviously. I just think I have so many regrets that I'll never get over. More details to come.
xoxo,
Anon.