July 28, 2021 I'm losing everything.

 

Dear Diary,

I'm continuing to losing everything... I lost my family, I lost all the thing I like (theatres, cinemas, concerts, friends, festivals, the capacity of reading), even if some activities are restarting I'm not capable of enjoying anything because I'm scared (even if both of my parents are vaccinated and I, with just the first dose of vaccine, have already an impressive amount of antibodies).


I'm starting of being scared of people in general and I'm not able to go anywhere without a strong anxiety.


My boyfriend this evening was mastering an online D&D session for my ex friends, he is doing that to allow me to play with another group that were managing of ousting me in favor of the people who insulted me. Long story...


Anyway, we wrote this campaign together, and he manage with the phone so I can hear he mastering without other people know that I am listening. I was having fun actually, we wrote a beautiful campaign, but this evening something unpleasant happened: someone nominated me, and other people start dissing me again... After a year! God! I heard everything! Haven't they more interesting topics to talk about? Must it be me? I'm not so interesting! But, ok, no problem: my father have dementia so I'm used to being insulted everyday with no reason.  


But, after that they start talking of restarting of having D&D session in person, without any online session even for mine campaign. I don't know if I'm able to participate: I have no problem if people wear masks and the windows remains opened. But I already know that they will not do anything of that and I'm having panic attack again... I can not risk of having attacks in front of them! 


So, I think the only thing I can do it's quit the group definitely... But I'm sad: I like to play D&D and most of all I like my character...

Why I cannot have anything that makes me happy? Why? I can not imagine any little thing that makes me happy during a day: I just work underpaid from home all day and assisting my parents. That's all.


The pandemic took away from me all of my hobbies and two of my jobs, I'm also losing all my savings because my handicapped father forget to refound what I spend for them... And if I ask back the money for the bills and their medication he think in his demented illness that I'm lying.

Even if my family is not poor I live like a poor girl because they do not want to interdict my father, but I can not sustain an house with 3 people inside... I can barely sustain the expanses for my dentist!


Now I have to quit also D&D... I quit my cutting and sewing course, I lost two jobs, I quit my music course, my English course.... Everything. 

D&D was a free and safe hobby because we were playing online. My real life was annihilated in the last two years, everything I had built was erased, now I have to renounce also to my imaginary life? Really?


Perhaps I have too recall my ex colleagues, they have serched for me and we went out a couple of time. They have no problem within respecting rules even if we was having fun together. Perhaps, even if they are older then me, they are a most appropriate company for me. 


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