Rubberband
July 08, 2021
I dont think I cried today. I must not have, that lump in my throat and my sinus drainage isn't there anymore. Everytime I cry I say to my family " it's just allergies".
I'm hate telling anyone around me that I'm struggling. So I fake it. I try to keep busy so they don't notice that my voice is gone, that my eyes are red &swollen. "I'm tired". I say and they move along.
But today I almost look normal. I even smiled. I'm good at smiling even when I force it. The last time I went thru this I tied a rubberband to my wrist and every sad thought that crossed my mind I'd snap the band. I'd feel the way the band lashed my skin. It was the force of the sting that could make me stop the violence in my own head. And it worked for a bit until less of the miseries that closed me in doom existed.
But I don't want to resort to these things.
Wow, we are all so close to being that...
The cutter
The drinker
The toxic one
All the things we do to just make it thru the day that only end up hurting us even more.
I dont want to be that today. I want to be better.
But I miss him... and there's not a rubberband in sight.
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