How was your 4th? July 06, 2021


I just want to stop crying.. I never thought I'd find myself being this weak b**** again. The one who's in love but "just wants to give him what he wants". 

He calls me but im in class.  I don't answer the call. And then my phone goes dead. I'm late to my Dr's appointment. No time to charge. I'm finally doing self care. I'm finally after months going to see a Dr to find out if I'll ever be able to lift my arm without pain. I go and come back home. I call him. No answer. I figure he's busy he'll call me back when he gets the chance. Next day there's still no call from him. That voice inside my head that shoots to panic begings to nudge me. So I call answer. I say to myself "it's ok he's working now he'll call me later." The sun sets without his voice again. 

Day 3, im worried, I couldn't sleep. I can't concentrate. I message and call again. No answer. I go to Facebook to see if he's logged in. My stomach is in knots. I tell myself not to panic, but my anxiety has made it to the party. My hands shake as I hold my cup of coffee, why am I drinking coffee as I panic. Geez

I message him on Facebook. "Are u OK?"

A green dot appears on his face. I can breathe, he's logged in, he's ok. The dot disappears and a counter marks the minutes since he's been online. 

It registers now. He's ignoring me. I immediately go to my arsenal of excuses. No he must be busy at work, but it's his day off. I send another message. The green dot turns on and back off. 

He sends a text. "No just been doing my own things we are also competing in the tournament " He sends a screenshot of his game.

A kaleidoscope of feelings revolve in my head. I'm not important enough to get a text back for 3 days. Then I start pulling my Rolex of excuses for him. But it stings because he's not like this to me I say, he's like this when he's angry. It can't be me that he's mad must be anyone but me. I can't even think of what to respond. And so I say it. I have no clue what to respond. He responds by messaging "Hm". And then silence returns.

The following day he has finally read the paragraph of word vomit souffle I sent him on Facebook. And he finally decided then that it's time to clue me in to the reason for his behavior.

"Just seen your message on messenger, i tried calling out the other day and you didnt get back to me until later at night but i was already fed up i was pretty mad not at you just needed to vent. That got me thinking that maybe you should finish your school and maybe then their will be time in between to pick up where this leaving off, at this point im just at the point of not caring think i just need to deal with my own issue myself other then keep bugging so im just working and playing with the clan for the tournament thats just about it. "

I try my best to dissect this man's words. He's mad but not at me?He's mad at what? He's not mad at me, but followed it by giving me the silent treatment for 3 days? He's got an issue? He's at the point of not caring? Not caring about what? About me? Over a call, it can't be over a call? This makes no sense. 

So I pick up the phone and I call hoping to get some clarity. ...voicemail. f*ckin voicemail

How do you I find myself in these instances again? Where I'm the weak b**** again. The one who knows better but does nothing. Is it really ok to let your heart stay ignorant while your head keeps telling you otherwise, this isn't going to end well. 

But I send another paragraph of texts. Where I explain how I don't understand. How I love him. How much his silence hurts.

Guess who comes back again? Silence 

And then after a day later he finally responded...

"How was your 4th?"

I want to scream at him "my 4th was pretty shitty, my 4th was a deafening silence, my 4th was a runaway train of anxiety, my 4th was the bags under my eyes from not being able to sleep, my 4th was the muscle relaxer I had to take to go to sleep , my 4th was a funeral to mourn the loss of a person you once we're to me." But I bite my tongue about my feelings. He said he's at the point of not caring so what's the point anyway.  I tried to get an answer as to where we stood and yet again... he went back to silence. 

How do you go from telling me some vague paragraph about not caring, and leaving off and days of silence and you want to go back to talking about trivial things without addressing what just went on??

I just want to stop crying. I have exams next week and nursing school is no joke. 

I want to focus on my life but I just miss a person who I don't even know exists. I'm so confused and sad. I've had really dark thoughts I don't want to have. I know I need to help myself.