June 21, 2021

 

Dear Diary,


Hate to say it but sometimes I hate my brother and our father..well.. fathers. My brother and I don't always see eye to eye. We actually haven't known each other our entire lives due to things that happened in our past. Life has been...difficult to say the least.


Fathers day has always been one of those grey areas for our family. Father figures in our lives were always the abusive types who thought they were god's gift to man. They knew best and there was a specific image that always had to be maintained. 


Not a day went by that we weren't reminded about how everything was our fault or how he was making sure we didn't wind up like the rest of the trailer park trash that our race is known to be. living off the government like parasites. 


Growing up wasn't fun...


Alot of what he preached was at some points, racism. Not all of what he taught was that way though. He came from a military family. Guess they came from Germany or something like that. Honestly never took the time to learn his or his families history.


In the long run what he did had the opposite effect. It showed us how not to treat people while molding us into something..more? sure...there are scars. Damage that will never heal. But all in all it probably helped more then hurt. Can't talk for my brother though. He turned out alot differently then I did.


Much of what he taught though is pretty much wasted since I never made it into the military. Sadly, I was too weak to get in. 


I say it's wasted because alot of what was taught consisted of survival training, what you could safely eat in the woods. Hunting and skinning. Direction finding in case you got lost. Fire making. Shelter craft...stuff like that. There was also weapons handling like pistols and hunting rifles. Hand to hand combat...nothing specific just bits and pieces with a heavy emphasis on wrestling and boxing then the ever so fun Lethal and non lethal pressure point take downs.


I really don't see myself using any of that..kind of glad I've forgotten much of it...still..I make sure to avoid fighting and have taken anger management classes. I really  don't want to lose my cool in any situation. I know I could seriously or lethally hurt someone if I did and it kind of..well...makes me hesitant to be around people if I'm being honest.


Anyway. Fathers day. It sucks for now. Of course I'm no father and who knows where my biological father and step father are.


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