April 16, 2021


Dear Diary, today actually some stuff happened so I felt inclined to write another entry. 

First of all today was the lecture I'm giving a tutorium for. I was super nervous and I feel like I messed up when I introduced myself. The other tutor spoke before me and I think she was much more collected than me. The problem was that we are very free in what we are supposed to do in our tutoriums. So it was hard for me to articulate what I am going to do because I'm not that sure myself. I think I will just answer questions and maybe take a closer look at the texts, but I'm not entirely sure. If the students want something else I will do that.

Also I am a bit embarassed because the other tutorium has 74 people enlisted right now and mine only has 15. It's probably because hers is in a more convenient time frame. Hers is from 4 to 6 on Wednesday and mine is on Monday from 2 to 4 in the afternoon. It was uneven before today too, but she gained 20 more people while I gained none. So maybe I made a bad impression? I am fine with not having that many people in mine, but I worry that she thinks its unfair. Not sure if this is my fault or not, I'm really trying to do my best.

And then a friend of mine spontaneously did a zoom conference this evening. It was her birthday and she couldn't have a party so she invited some friends this way. I was really torn if I should attend. I am terrible in group situations especially when it is with people I don't know. It is not even social anxiety anymore. I just can't parse that many people at once. I don't know what to say. How do you talk casually to people you don't know anything about. The only thing I ended up saying was about her master thesis. It is about horse literature for girls and I suggested that one of the reasons it is so popular is that you have to go to a farm or a more rural area to meet horses. So it acts as an escape from everyday urban life. Yeah I can only talk about theory stuff like that with people I don't know. I can only concentrate on one person at a time usually and then slowly warm up to them.

I feel so bad about being that way. It is the exact opposite of how you are supposed to be social and find a girlfriend. But I can't do anything about it , I just am that way. People always say yeah I used to be that way too, but then I learned to love parties and stuff. But that is simply not how I am at all, but they never believe me. So I feel like it is my own fault for being this way, because everybody else was able to change apparently. I don't know if there are any girls out there who like guys like me. They want guys they can be proud to present to others. And I totally understand that I must look like the most boring and at the same time strange person ever to most people.

Oh and I also felt stressed out because that friend C always asks me about what the subject of my master thesis will be. I have all these other texts I must write before that so I don't want to think about that yet. She wants to talk to me about scientific stuff and I apreciate that, but I am not ready to think about my master thesis yet. Oh and I think she is also the reason I was so bummed about not getting that perfect score yesterday. She always talks about that stuff and she got a 1,0 in the assignment so I felt some pressure. But it's fine she isn't really doing amything wrong. She just liked to overthink things and because I also often do that it sparks over to me.

On a more positive note Saga Frontier Remastered was released recently. I am really looning forward to playing that. The upscaled PS1 graphics look so amazing. That is exactly the aesthetic I like in games. And the music is so good too. I am in the mood to play a retro RPG. Was thinking about replaying FF6 but now I have this. The last few weeks I played Monster Hunter Rise. I enjoyed it but it was a bit easy compared to previous games in the series. My Hunter looks really awesome though. Her hair is shorn really short, she has black lipstick and a red tatoo around her eyes that looks like blood facepaint. I love playing as her. I named her Marcy after Marceline from Adventure Time who has a similar hairstyle sometimes. 😊 Maybe I will upload a pic sometime.

Ok take care everyone.