Dear Diary, I had a bad dream last night that has been on my mind all day. When I am dreaming, I know that I am dreaming, but this morning I woke up feeling the absolute worst and then all I could feel is sad. There was a lot of physical pain in my dream, but the thing is I could actually feel the pain. When I first fell asleep it was 2am, I dreamt that I had blood constantly running out of my nose and mouth and it made it hard to breath. I was walking to different places, going past different people, leaving blood everywhere. I kept trying to clean it up but it was pointless, it was almost like I was embarrassed that someone would see the blood on the ground and on me. Then I realized that no one around me noticed, but before I could give it a second thought it got so much harder for me to breath that I actually woke up. When I woke up it was 3am, I was lying flat on my back with my face facing the ceiling. I realized my nose was really runny and because of my sleeping position it was going down my throat (sounds a lot more gross now that I am typing it out vs. how it was) and a bit of mucus leaking out my nostrils. My mouth was also dry because I could not breath through my nose, therefore I had been breathing with my mouth open while asleep. But this explains why I felt like I could feel the blood and struggle to breath in my dream. I blew my nose, changed sleeping positions and fell right back to sleep.
When I fell back to sleep I was walking again, then this wind was blowing but I didn't feel it, I could only see it, it looked like the way a child's storybook would portray wind. But the wind became smaller and then it was in front of me, like the way a person would stand in front of you. And (as if it was a ghost that could pick up and use objects) then it stabbed me in the stomach with a knife. Normally if something like that happens in my dreams I would instantly wake up, but this time I didn't. I could instantly feel the sharp pain, it felt like the time I had an ovarian cyst rupture. Then the wind went up and expanded above me again, then disappeared. I kept walking and I try to ask someone to help but I couldn't find the words to actually speak out loud. So I kept walking and it seemed like no one noticed the knife sticking out of the lower part of my stomach. Then the wind appeared again the same way like before and stabbed me in the heart. I could actually feel that pain too. The pain felt the same way a heartbreak would feel like, but with a sting... kind of like the sting I feel when I have a panic attack. Instead of forcing myself to wake up from the dream like I normally would, I kept walking. I kept walking with two knives sticking out of me in absolute pain. While walking I noticed the scenery started to change around me, and it was almost like a vision was forming all around me. Like a vision you could actually stand in and watch play out (if that makes any sense). There were now buildings that were different colors and I was now standing on a brick road instead of a regular sidewalk. Then a guy that I recognized appeared, but he could not see me, like I was invisible and I knew this. Then a woman that I did not recognize appeared beside him. I was watching them make a memory, spontaneously exploring a city together, experiencing something new.. exactly the way me and that guy did in real life. It was all very familiar, but the city was different, I recognized that the city I was watching them explore was the place me and the guy talked about going to. The knives sticking out of my chest and stomach did not move but somehow caused the pain to sharpen. I felt sad and hurt. While feeling sad I knew it did not matter, that what I was watching did not and should not matter to me regardless of how I felt. I started to walk away, and out of the stand-in vision or whatever you would call it. I noticed that what I had saw FELT REAL, like this feeling that this exact thing I saw already happened in real life or was going to happen. And I hated it. That feeling scared me, because I did not want it to be real. But I kept walking and all of those feelings of hate, sadness, and scared stayed behind, and I was just walking with pain. Suddenly everything around me was blank and the pain in my chest and my stomach stopped for a moment, and in just that moment blood started running out of my nose and mouth again. I was struggling to breath, then the knives moved into my body just the tiniest bit more and all that pain came back. I tried to keep walking (for some reason I had the urge to keep walking forward in my dream) but while I was walking it felt like the floor beneath me started spinning at the same time. The pain started to grow to the point my skin felt like it was burning. More blood started pouring out of my mouth and nose pouring down my chest onto the floor. I realized that I could actually feel the wetness of the blood too. There was no one around me and it was becoming impossible to keep walking because the floor was still spinning. Everything hurt so bad, physically and emotionally to the point it felt like absolute torture. I have felt overwhelming physical and emotional pain in real life before and it felt like I was living literal hell on earth. This was less than a year ago so I recognized this pain in my dream and forced myself to wake up. Waking up I noticed I was laying flat on my back again, I was sweating, hot and the whole runny nose thing happened again, like the first time I woke up. All things explaining why I could feel my skin burn up- me being hot, the blood dripping down my chest- me sweating from being hot, and the blood from my nose- me having a runny nose. My stomach was also hurting so bad that the sharp pain felt like it shot up my chest and my heart felt like it was in my stomach at the same time- explaining how I could feel the pain from the knives in my dream. It was also 7am when I woke up and I decided to stay awake since I start work at 8 anyways, and also f* going back to sleep. Earlier this week I had to take a trip to the ER because I felt excruciating pain in my stomach and I thought it was an ovarian cyst rupture, and if you ever had this happen before you know that shit is excruciating and it is difficult to move or do anything. When I explained my symptoms to the doctor he thought it had to do with my appendix and that I would need emergency surgery (which is what they thought the first time my ovarian cyst ruptured). After I did the CT scan, it showed that I was having issues but it wasn't an ovarian cyst rupture or my appendix. And of course he couldn't exactly pin point what it was, just that the enzymes in my liver was out of range. Since I don't drink regularly or do anything that could really harm my liver he just told me to make an appointment with a specialist. The doctor gave me morphine for the pain, until I was okay to go home and prescribed me what was basically Tylenol. So I'm wondering if this stomach pain is from that... actually I'm sure it is because it felt exactly like that. It slowly calmed down to basically feeling like cramps after being awake for a few minutes. But my god, the end of that dream felt like hell, like I was being tortured. It felt exactly the way I felt in real life all of May 2020. In May I had a lot of new health issues come up, starting with the ovarian cyst ruptures (2 ruptured at the same time), ending with finding out I had an autoimmune disease and more health problems in between I don't even want to think about, and I was already going through a bad low. Every week was a new health issue that caused so much physical pain. It was like what I was feeling physically from those issues, matched exactly what I had been feeling emotionally that time. And to feel both types of pain at once, was absolute hellllll. It all became extremely overwhelming. I don't know why I would dream of that pain, and feel it match that real life intensity for a moment at the end of the dream there. Like what the F*. All day I have been crying on and off, not focusing on work (thank god I work from home now), almost skipping my zoom class after work. Is it because I know in a couple months it will have been a year and I am not looking forward to that anniversary like at all? or that when I had to take a trip to the ER it all reminded me of the beginning of May 2020.. is that why I had this dream? Even my step-dad asked my mom "do you think it's all starting again?"
It doesn't even feel like it's been almost a year since May 2020, it's crazy to me. I never had a dream really stick with me like this throughout the day before. All I really know is that im scared to sleep tonight.. I hope writing this out of my system helps.