Tuesday, 10th November 2015
Dearest Friend,
It’s not even the end of the year and we still have to get through the harder times yet...
As it’s obvious, we’re coming closer to the court case now and everyone’s on edge; there’s not a single person in the family that isn’t anxious about the whole thing.
As I’m sort of “the problem” – the first to speak up about incest abuse and to be the one that has distanced myself most from the family dynamic, I would be the last person to know of any family issue or change of hearts.
It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest – I’ve always been treated somewhat differently in the family circle, and it’s clear that some either see me with disgust or pity.
Anything else is either silent treatment, or I’d have to force myself to act in such a way that they approve of, which is usually keeping a smile on my face.
Nothing changes.
Nobody really cares – not really – and I guess their reasons are their own.
But DO NOT look to me as though I’ve done anything wrong, because all I did is what I thought was best for me and my sisters. And I’m proud of the fact that, through our escape, my sisters were able to have a voice and speak of their own abusive experiences – when having the inner strength and disclosure to do so.
90% of the time I’m thinking of Cindy and Maria.
Life has changed so much for us these past few years, and none of it was easy.
Some of it has made us angry, some of it has made us cry; some of it made us question the circumstances and ask ourselves…why.
Although I’m older and living out great opportunities in Galway, I’m sure my sisters are feeling their hurts just as much as me, if not more considering their ages…
I wouldn’t think gender would be a huge difference in this scenario, as young boys face similar traumas just as much and can crumble without having help, but my sisters are lucky to have their Aunt M.I. and family friend Susan care for them. Nonetheless, sexual abuse is something that affects a person’s whole life and should be taken seriously.
I’m not trying to suggest that my family don’t take it seriously, but it’s very important that they could be emotionally available, and they just aren’t able to do that right now…
To do so would mean to take on responsibility and there’s no way they’re going to accept their neglect as part of the sexual abuse being able to take place/continue.
I don’t blame anyone – I’m just angry about the situation and can’t help this low feeling… It would be wonderful if I had the mind of a perfectionist, who could always seek out the Golden Mean – but, I’m sorry, incidences like these aren’t ones that can be covered up by ideal philosophies!
My family are always telling me that: “A man like yourself should be proud of all he’s achieved,” and they don’t forget to point out that all my achievements were without the help of either my parents, but can’t see why lacking their support or contact would affect me…
It’s very easy for them to jump on the superficial or to cover up areas in life that aren’t particularly comfortable facing, but rather their mindset speaks that I should “get on with it” and quit making fuss…
That’s brilliant and everything – it’s clear their a lot stronger-willed than I am – but in order for us to move on, healthily, we’ve got to be willing to cope with this and recognize how those forms of abuse in childhood have affected our self-esteem, ability to think rationally towards everyday challenges, and ultimately overcoming our issues with trust!
Realistically, although I have these wishes in mind, it’s very likely that the only person I can develop on is myself.
I can try and see passed my family’s faults and bear in mind that their only human like you and me…
I guess I’ve glorified a notion of family life that just isn’t practical in my case – each family in all walks of life have their own problems (I’ve never forgotten this fact!) but it doesn’t change the emotional needs that kids long for, and it shouldn’t be warranted because of how life appears in the lives of other families…
Yours, Jay.