December 15, 2020

So this is my first diary. I've read were they say writing can help you mentally. I've had the best/worse year of my life. At this point in my life I feel like I haven't done anything right and I'm more of less worthless. Everything started at the beginning of the year. I got a promotion at work at the end of 2019. I loved getting the promotion and I know I worked hard for it but it honestly wasn't worth it. I've tried so hard to better the company I work for but the arnt willing to change. We operate like its 1980, while they expect you to perform miracles. At the end of January 2020 I was honestly ready to break down, I was working almost 80 hours a week while only getting paid for half of it since I'm salary. Nothing was going right, I just didn't know how to make anything work. I'm really bad about shutting down when things become to much to handle. I was raised by my dad to not really show emotions and bottle them up. I love to talk and open up but I get hurt so bad everytime I do. I was to the point I was ready to quit my job, I don't have a back up plan. While all this was happening I get a message from a girl I work with. She actually wanted to talk to me, no one ever wants to talk to me. I'm overweight and not good looking. I've honestly never had a long or successful relationship. I don't honestly know how to. My parents were always dysfunctional growing up, which explains why they got a divorce. I lived on a farm growing up, I wasn't allowed that often to leave and go do things cause it cost money. Not that they didn't try to give us things, I just never learned how to interact with people very well, how to make friends or how to talk to girls. So when this girl showed interest in me it honestly saved me from this hole I was digging my self into from work and everything else. We started talking for a week or 2 before she finally invited me over. I was so nervous, I had done anything like this before. She was working second shift and asked me to come over that night. I couldn't sleep I was so excited. I drove to her house at 2 in the morning, I got there and it actually scared her. She was cleaning and didn't think I'd be there that soon. I came in and we talked for a minute before I kissed her for the first time. One of the best moments of my life. She then got in the shower, came out and we started to have a "good time". We tried to go to her bedroom but the dog had peed on the bed so we ended up on the couch. We had sex then layed there for a few hours and talked. I love talking to this girl, she was open with me and told me truly personal things about herself. Sitting and talking with her was better than the sex. I thought I finally found that connection that everyone else had and found someone that finally liked me for me.