Dear Fitz
Who was he, my sweet, generous, intriguing man? He was warm and friendly, and somehow lost and sad. For some reason he was intrigued by me. Plain me. I was 19 and knew nothing of the world. He was older and had been married once, divorced and had a love affair in Switzerland. He told me all about her over strong Gevalia coffee in Styrofoam cups in his office, metal bookshelves to the ceiling, filing cabinet in back of me and me perched on an old wooden desk/chair combination hanging off his every word. He questioned me like Socrates. Had I read this book or seen that movie or heard this song. No no and no and the next day id find myself talking and walking with him to and from class, and find myself gifted with the aforementioned book or movie or song album: Bob Dylan, Cowboy Junkies, Nanci Griffith. All different all interesting. I didnt get Bob Dylan at first but I couldnt stop listening to him. David Byrne, John Prine. We shared so much music. I felt I could never read enough to catch up to him. Yet I did not bore him. I do not know why. It was instant the connection. I saw an actual light the first time I saw him. Inexplicable. He noticed me, the girl who was too smart who never had a date or a boyfriend who was not pretty or popular. That shock of hair falling over his stormy grey-blue eyes I always wanted to brush away. The way he walked head down as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. He'd see me and instantly his smile lit up his face and it was like the sun coming out. "My Irish gypsy girl," he'd say, and then ask a question it would take a long time to answer. He always a gentleman who loved my mind and saw who I was and held me close. I loved him without realizing the scope of it and he scared me to death with the intensity of my feelings which at 19 I could never hope to understand. I didnt know it was real. I ran. I ran.
I loved you with all I was Fitz and all I am and maybe that is enough to bridge the abyss of time and distance and eternity. Maybe is why you gave me the experience no one would ever believe so I have told no one about it. That is for next time. You sweet man. You deserved all the love in the world and you did not deserve to die alone. You were not unloved.
Your Vanessa