December 05, 2020

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Dear world here I am. I am giving in the words of Walt Whitman my barbaric yawp from the rooftops of the world.  I am trying to live again really. 

I am in mourning. I have been for 25 years.  It seems like an eternity since and also like yesterday.  I live my life. I have no wish to end it but 

Life without him is like living in a parallel universe.  It is colorless, and stale and without meaning.  My job gives me some kind of direction but I believe in nothing now. I don't feel engaged in my own living day to day. Cut off and adrift and not even sad. The tearing is gone now, the absolute pain is gone. In its place there is nothing but a bottomless abyss.   I look around me an appreciate beauty but feel absolutely disconnected. I can laugh. I can be funny.  I can put on a good show. I know I am acting but you know what they say: fake it till you make it.   I've been faking it so long it is like a cosplay I cannot end.  


  • I meditate
  • I exercise
I don't FEEL anything.  I cherish aloneness yet I know I should want companionship.

Nobody can compare to him; all his life and beauty and who he was and still is. This is what it means to lose your soulmate.  He was my soul mate. I wish I could have told him while he was alive. But then again maybe he already knew or he wouldn't have asked me if I believe in soul mates and who my soulmate was.  


I am not the first person to lose someone I loved beyond reason and time. I will not be the last. I just want to Live with a capital L in hope and desire and forward motion. I don't know how to get all that back. 

To the journey.


--Vanessa

V
Vanessa Raine✓
Dec 6, 2020 · 36 views

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RiSADec 6, 2020

The emptiness is such a terrible part of losing someone. The way you're feeling - or the lack of feelings you're experiencing right now. - it's absolutely normal and justified. You know, I'm not very fond of this whole "fake it til you make it" thing. Please, try to keep in mind that you have absolutely no obligation to fake your happiness. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is be honest with yourself - and with others. - in order to properly digest your feelings and heal. Healing is the goal, ok? Your feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean the emptiness should stay and take away the meaning of things. Healing is not about pretending nothing happened, it's about learning how to keep moving. And having a motive. I'm sure your loved one wish to see you well too. I'm suggest you start talking to a therapist - if you're already doing that, don't give up on your therapy. -, it's important to talk it out. You can talk to friends and family too, but this is not an alternative to therapy. Don't force yourself to do stuff that make you uncomfortable, but try to insist in healthy habits. Exercising is a great way to keep your body and mind working. Sending you all my love and support, Vanessa, wish you the best. 💕

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