April 23, 2020

Dear Diary, 

I have tried to write before, but it didn't work out.  I feel like I have nothing else to turn to.  I hope that you can understand, and I appreciate you being a good listener.  I just need to talk to someone, and even doctors don't seem to have the time for me.  Let me start by saying depression is so real, but something that I cannot show the people around me.  Every day I have to smile, and be kind, and keep quiet.  I try to be outwardly positive, and always express gratitude.  I keep wishing that if I am good and positive that my life will be filled with good and positive things.  But inside, I am in turmoil, and terror.  I am afraid to die, and scared of death, but already feel like I am not living.  

My husband and I left our last job and moved states to a new one so that we can be together more, but now we are together less, and don't have money to move again just yet.  Apparently our jobs have nothing but shift work, and we were told at this job they would work with us so that we can work together.  Well we work together, in the same section, but different shifts, so now we never see one another, still.  With my health issues work has mandated that I work from home, and he still has to go in to the office.  When I am working he is sleeping, and when he is working I am sleeping.  So I have to sit quietly at home while I work and the house is quiet with all the occupants except myself sleeping, and then during the day he is gone to work and I am alone in the house, playing catch up on life and things and trying to sleep...  Working doesn't require talking to people, and no one ever seems to talk.  I feel so alone... all the time now.

I haven't been sleeping well, I have nightmares and issues being alone.  I will get more into those later though.  But my husband is my safety and comfort...and I miss that so much.  He knows it, and I feel bad for telling him, but I try to talk to him when we can, and in passing I cry on his shoulder as he head out to work.  I feel isolated, worthless, sad, scared, alone... I have no friends or family near by, and talking to people on the phone or over a computer doesn't satisfy anything.  I hope it helps the people that I try to talk to...but I still can't say what's on my mind to anyone...

I think that's where I will start for now...I will try to get into more later.