March 31, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s crazy when you finally have some where to share your thoughts you don’t know where to start. Do I dig up the thoughts that are hunting me or do I just express the current in hopes to forget about the ones that should’ve been gone. It’s hard to decide on where to begin  in this crazy maze I have of a mind. Can never seem to focus on what’s needing my attention most nor can I seem to get rid of any of my horrible ways. Maybe I’m to blame for how my life is going right now not saying it’s going bad but it can be going way better. I’m currently staying with a Ex.  Or current partner I’m honestly not sure on what to call him. We’ve kind of been on a rough road for a 2 1/2 years now and at times I want to take  complete ownership of the cause of our problems but I honestly feel I’ve shown that I want this more than anything but some how some way i still end up feeling like I should’ve just let our relationship end when we first called it quits instead of trying to prove myself. Ik what I’d did was wrong but it’s not like I stepped outside of the relationship I just have issues with letting go of good people even if it was causing me to lose someone I deeply loved and although it took the longest I finally let them go and it’s been almost two years now but I’m still being penalized. It’s like he doesn’t want to see me for what I can be but only for what I’ve done and who I was. In life you have to make sacrifices and I didn’t understand that at first but when I did I sucked up my pride and got my shit together to be the women he wanted me to be. But maybe that’s were I’m  fucking  up I’m trying to be the women he wants me to be instead of being the women I want to be and need to be. 

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