March 26, 2020

As I approached 30 I got a desk job at a major telecommunications company and even though I've risen up the ladder in recent years... I have definitely lost the physical motivation I used to have. 

Most days towards the end of my labor career, I would get off work from my graveyard shift around 6 to 7am. The whole world would be waking up. And I had so much pent up energy from the day's work that I'd go for a run for a while before bed. 

Honestly it felt great. I always had energy. I was light on my feet and in great shape. 

I know 35 is far from prime age but I know I can get back into shape. I've only gained about 25-30 lbs. It is SO easy to lose if I get back into a regular routine.  I'm only 5ft tall so that weight spread quickly and weighs me down, drains my energy. 

Before this crisis hit, I had been trying to change my inner monologue. I surmised that by surrounding myself with workout stuff eventually it would become easier to motivate.  I started watching motivational workout videos on the big screen in the livingroom on YouTube. then joined a ton of fitness groups and motivational workout groups on FB. I would scroll through observing and absorbing content before bed every night. 

Then shit started getting scary. Airports were closed and Italy was trying to warn us. It got really foreboding.  I began to stress. 

Earlier in March I got the flu. Tested positive for it. Right after my husband did. I am lucky to be able to work from home so after a few days of rest I was able to stay home and work to avoid spreading any symptoms just in case. My job has handled this better than our pres. has at least. Which has been some relief.  Finally I got to go back to the office for 2 days before they sent everyone that COULD work from home, home. 

For a week my morning routine involved checking the damage report online, showering. Hair in a tight bun or a braid. Work out gear and sneakers. I'd run to the grocery store.  Toilette paper was still around but scarce.  I was more concerned with food. So every day  I'd get dressed like I was going for an run but I'd panic and go to the grocery store. Buy meat. Bread. Eggs. Rice. Beans. Ramen. Pasta.  More meat. Fresh canned and frozen veggies.  

For a while I felt the only thing I could control was making sure we had enough food if we locked down. 

Now that we are locked down I am glad I did.

4 days in a row I meant to go for a run. 4 days in a row the panic set in and I ran to the store instead. 

The adrenaline was endless. Eventually I had to stop buying food. I'd spent several hundred on stuff for my husband and roommate. Her bf essentially had locked down with us as well and eventually chipped in and made some runs. There are 4 adults in this house, we needed to be prepared. Soap. Toothpaste.  We eventually buckled down and realized simply that we wouldnt have enough tp for the rest of the month so we had to buy some. It took a week to find one pack. 

My mom mailed some from NY. 

I'm in WA. 

Finally I had to tell myself not to buy food. And I finally ran. I ran for hours. Days in a row. It was glorious honestly.  

This week began however and all 4 adults in the house are now working from home. It threw of of my routine. 

I stopped watching workout videos and started obsessing over the news and the numbers. 

NY started to surpass WA and fear for my family stung deep. 

My employees and peers grew sick and we all worried. Everyone came back neg for Covid but eventually someone knows someone who has it. My friend's wife caught it. Recovered luckily. And yes they distance at home for a month alone. My employee's mother and sister have it. She has not had contact. Sisters doing ok but mom in her 60's is not. 

Tensions are slowly rising in the house. We have been around each other a while. 

It's only been a few days but I've fallen off my routine. 

So tonight I'm watching motivational workout videos before bed to change my inner monologue again.  Because I have to get through this. 

Stay safe, 

MH