Dear Diary, I am so scared of what happens nowadays. Famous people die every day and they weren't even in depression, all looked positive and energetic, why would they end up like this? I deleted my instagram account because I am lonely and don't trust anyone. My boy crush copies all dead celebrities and force me to change (I like only him and hate everyone who sleeps with him even i am not sure who are exactly doing this with him). It's not my fault that I believe in true love and can't "replace" him with another boy. How can I wake up and pretend that I support gay people (I found out that he likes boys after I loved him 4 years and all 3 years now I am trying to live, but I think about suicide every day ). He blames me for being blind because everybody thinks that I am the worst choice that he made. The saddest thing is that he loves everyone exept me, he sleeps with everyone exept me (he even flirts with people who was my type and always choose anyone exept me). Now he and his band act like russian bad guys because they think I don't deserve to love real him (i don't love girls so he hates me for being manly as if I am adam and he is eve. Its so unfair). When I was young I wrote some lyrics about russian boys whom I liked and who never liked me back, also I wrote songs (without music) about stupid girls and producers as if I stuck in web and their empty souls means nothing. But I never wrote a song about my boy crush and celebrities that I loved. Because I never met them in person it's hard to write something deep. Since 2017 I started to hear my lyrics from tv and on the sites in articles. I think someone hacked my computer and posted it somewhere. Also in tv shows and internet stories I saw the same as happened to me in the past so I think besides old lyrics they also posted my old diary. Everyone started copying me (remember how almost everyone in 2017-2018 made short bob haircut? And this is just a small thing out of everything that happened after I was hacked). I don't know why everyone hates me for being lonely. Why they think it's not ok to love only one boy who is not even straight? I don't touch anyone, I don't steal other women's boyfriend, I don't even feel anything when I watch romantic movies with normal actors when they make love with partners. Why everyone are so mad at me?
I wish my boy crush never copying dead female celebrities because even if he tries to show me that he could die if I will not love someone exept him, I won't change. I can't pretend and act like my feelings for him are so strong because he thinks that my soul was inside him. It is bullshit. I was myself since birth and he never was me and I never was him. I don't know who started this "soultravel from body to body" but he lost connection to real life after I found out about his orientation. Someone should tell him that he can't be me because I don't like certain people or because he wears my number on his t-shirt. About number....my boy crush created code when you replace birth date with chemical elements. But after he named his dog after my elements (but mirrored: to show me that he fucks boys with my personality) it became so popular. I thought he will buy patent on this code because people started to use his birtdate elements for doing bad things like creating nicknames, releasing songs where his elements' summary word were replacing as pervert meaning, they used his birthdate name in medical or food commercials, in political news as some countries and cities or communities, so it looked like everyone in the world controls his and my life (yes they used my elements birthdate so often so I even changed it in my profile and tried to change birth year but it didn't help, people just hate our so called couple). Of course he played in drama where he was hacker who wrote a code but he had curly hair and I thought maybe he tries to proove that it's not him who created this code but my mother's brother's son? Maybe he tried to make him popular because his name is similar to my crush's chemical elements? But what's for? To prove that even between me and my relatives he will never choose me and rather sleep with some of them? I 've heard that some married couples use gay people as third to make their lovelife hotter but why him? Am I so ugly for him so he kiss their asses and pay press or his friends to write bad things about my face and body? I don't know the truth and it kills me. Why he doesn't tell anything? He already lost so much fans but still blame only me for being the only conservative jobless girl among his friends. He thinks all girls became happier after break up but he made happy everyone exept me, he kills me inside by forcing me to find another man and laugh and be as all his exes. Yeah in the last two years when I tried to prove him that he can be normal I screamed at all his bitches even i am not sure that he really dated them. But it's another story. Goodbye, see you later