I've been thinking about my family a lot lately. I mean, what else is new?! It's easy to think about something I never really had. At least not a stable one.
Growing up, my mom was an alcoholic bar tender who brought home randos often. She was great at being absent, being emotionally unavailable as she couldn't handle her own emotions herself, and so often relied on others to fill this impossible void she holds. Herself abusive, as well as all her partners, she doesn't know how to be alone.
My dad only got me during the summers, and I hated it there. Mostly because my step-mom was also alcoholic and abusive. I never seemed able to get away from family stress.
My sister predominately raised me, along with my grandma when she came down for visits or we went up to her place for the summer.
After my Grandma passed when I was 11, the family completely broke apart. My Grandma was the Matriarch of the family who held the family tree, as well as facilitated all family reunions from my birth up until the year of her death. My grandma taught me how to cook simple meals for myself, how to quilt, crochet, color in the lines, and she loved to listen to me practice violin even if I was awful.
To this day, I don't really talk to my parents. I've created this boundary to protect myself from further harm and disappointment. It's hard, especially when surrounding me are all these people with very supportive families.
Over the years, I've come to the realization that blood or not, family is subjective. My own blood family was the cause of 99% of my trauma growing up including physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.
I've come to make my own family which still includes my sister, and my biological father I found a little over 6 years ago now thank goodness. All of the rest have faded for one reason or another.
I was the black sheep for coming out as Lesbian at age 9, seeking therapy to assist me with my suicidal thoughts that I was enduring from peers at school. My parents didn't understand, and they still don't. My mom is still a mentally unstable hoarder, and my dad is married to an abusive alcoholic in a disgustingly co-dependent relationship.
I am still one the only ones in my family who sees a therapist and addresses their mental health needs. It's extremely hard and draining to be perfectly honest. Especially coming out as a transgender Male a little over 5 years ago now, I lost even more of my "natural supports". I'm trying to build up my community again, to find that family that I a missing so much.
It's hard to socialize as an adult, and so much harder to make friends.
Anyways, family is subjective like I said previously. Family, is what you make of it, whether it be blood or not. Blood relatives can be the scum of the Earth, and that's an unfortunate realization.
8/25/19
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