August 06, 2019 I can't communicate with my parents and I'm angry

 

Dear Diary,

I hate where I'm at. It's like everyone that's around me now looks at me like a failed project as all they ever do is correct me and tell me to"change".It's fine if its something they started doing it in relatively recent times. But people trying to correct me has been my entire childhood and it sickens me that its something they're still continuing to do. I grew up thinking there was something inherently wrong with me. Because it always felt like I was born to screw things up. I always felt like a burden to my parents because I'm not one of the kids who "achieve". Now that I've grown up a bit and I'm mature enough to study in a foreign country on my own, I expect them to treat me like an actual human being whose views are worth giving an ear to. But no, 19 years later I'm still "wrong" and can't get anything right. The nasty soon to be ex teenager who shuts herself in her room and is unempathetic towards her family. You know the one that's ungrateful to her parents because she never talks to them and sulks all day? Yeah, I'm that one. After all, I 'm that ungrateful specimen of a daughter that has the audacity to "make a face" after all they've done for her while really she should be spending every minute of her life grovelling at their feet thanking them for their gratitude. Whatever. I'm getting really tired of this dynamic. Because I'm always the one to be blamed. Whether it's a missing bottlecap or unpunctuality, come to me for existing as a reason for the damages pertained services. It's all I get mentioned for after all, and I have to say, it looks like I've made quite a name for myself in that area.No, I'm not doing this because I'm bored and I just to throw one those common "teenager tantrums". I'm doing this because I'm tired and undervalued. Like, how the fuck can you expect me to have high self-esteem and confidence when all they ever do is crush it down? I wouldn't mind it if the things they accuse me of doing wrong is like laundry or terrible cooking but no, it must also include my attitude, my personality, my views and my ways of thinking and my dressing style. Basically everything there is to me actually. Like yesterday when they made it a point to tell me not to be "over feminist" without even giving space to explain my views. Like I get it all right, be feminist enough to be a top scorer on gender studies so that we can post the certificate to facebook but not too much of a feminist so that you don't talk about it when we're alone as it makes us uncomfortable. I totally get it. Also please agree with the sexist, xenophobic, homophobic views and adopt prejudices based on caste and religion because it's our culture and that's how society is still today and as a child, you obviously don't know what we're talking about. And don't be the ungrateful brat and think differently as it damages the perception we've built towards the world years on end greatly because change confuses us. Oh, I understand. And I'm actually willing to accommodate that but for that to happen, you should accommodate my ability to think, reason and have an opinion first, not because I'm too demanding or bratty as a person but because it's fair. You should do a duty to enjoy a basic right, go figure. But no, I should just play barbie doll and nod agree to every single word right, right? And only talk intelligently when there's the company. And after all they've done for me, I'm still "ungrateful" because they can't figure out why I  don't talk to them as much. Just go fucking figure. I can talk to them if they don't respect me as an individual, but since I'm a daughter they birthed, my individuality is asking for too much. I feel so alone and out of place in this family and the sad part is that's how I've always felt. Like maybe the nurse did exchange the babies after all. The point is I can't have a conversation with my parents and I always feel like I don't belong with them. I'm always so lonely when I'm there and I lose the will to live when I'm there sometimes. I lose interest in eating. And when I do speak it always turns into a full-fledged fight where again,I end up being blamed.I just can't communicate with them and I'm done. I 'm done and I actually okay with being done and the sad part is nothing can be done about it.And it sucks. It sucks that all my words have an impact on my parent relationship and I hate being silent. It sucks that I can't speak up or talk. So basically, everything about it sucks and I'm done with continuing to suck. Fuck it sucks.

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