Dear Diary,
I love being a mother. I also have the privilege of being a "stay at home mother". My boyfriend encourages this so that is nice. However I find myself longing for my own "thing" outside of motherhood. I want a job but I dont want to be away from my daughter, nor do I trust anyone to take care of her.
I was just finishing college when I found out I was pregnant. It definitely wasn't planned and I was always the girl who "never wanted kids." But when I decided to continue with my pregnancy I did so with my whole heart and never looked back. I do not regret it one bit. I love my daughter and my life. But sometimes I look at myself and think I could be so much more than "just a mom."
With a one income household money is tight. I'm so sick of living paycheck to paycheck. Always relying on the hope that things will work out. They always do but the time and energy it takes to make ends meet is so strenuous. I can't help but feel like I need to do more.
My boyfriend is trying to find a second job. He is not listening to me and I dont know how to make him understand that I need something too. Sometimes it gets so bad I feel I am loosing my patience. I even raise my voice at my beautiful little girl. And it kills me. I know it's not her fault and i shouldn't take it out on her. I cry and feel horrible about it and myself all the time. And that's what I'm doing tonight. I'm so lost.......
I need to buy lottery tickets! Lol