June 30, 2019 I GHOST AND IGNORE

 

Dear Diary,

I'm going to tell you a little bit about myself. To describe me would be a difficulty. If u had read my post before you might get an idea why. If I could be described through the magnifying lens of society, then I guess I would be the rich arrogant girl, who got her way through her parents' money. Well, I'm only nineteen, to begin with. I have mood swings. I get depressed. I very rarely "achieve". I'm kind of an introvert, and I'm actually okay with it. I like films and watching Netflix consecutively. I like makeup and dresses. I like reading, writing, languages and exploring new cultures. I actually like to party and have fun and talking. What I don't like is being a part of a massive group, because I'm always left out. I like going out, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. There are times I just want to be left alone and in those times, I really just want to be left alone. What I really don't like is people invading it. That makes me angry, which makes me rude. I usually ignore people and pretend that I can't hear them because I don't like confrontations. I walk around with headphones just so I can shut myself from the world. As I'm now home in India, a lot of people (including my parents) can't understand me. They think I have "attitude". That I act indifferently. No, I care. I just don't want to mingle with people who are thirty years older than me, because I know they'll never understand me or my thought process. Trust me, I've tried. All they ever do is judge or give advice(or tell me I'm wrong). But life is so different nowadays and we don't share the same views. I just feel suffocated and exhausted here, that's all. I love my parents, but I can't communicate with them. I just can't. I'm not sure if this is a sign of arrogance or something. Maybe this is a very first world kind of problem or just unnecessary whining. I just wanted to vent it out. I think I have anxiety. I get very scared and paranoid in social settings. I'm usually the girl eating in the corner, not making conversation. Never had a relationship. I've talked to a few guys, but it doesn't go beyond texting. I don't text people immediately and I usually always forget to reply. I sometimes panic and I freak out when I walk into a room filled with people. Especially if its a room filled with "adults". People always say I look and act like a child. Well, I'm sorry. I don't plan on graduating into an "adult" anytime soon. Firstly, I want to sort things out. Figure out who I am and What exactly I should do. I'm sorry I don't have a career and a family map drawn out with explicit details. I  like taking my time figuring things out and No I don't think I'll regret it. That I'm sure. I always think its best to take your time in making important life decisions. I want to anticipate the future, not expect it. I know things will go wrong and I'm prepared to deal with consequences that may come. I just don't want to be that person who always complains how much their life sucks. The person that declares that they've gone through suffering like no other. That's all. So yeah, I ask in the end is accept me for me. I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be, but at least I try. Sometimes (usually when I lose hope).



Loading...
Comments