Dear Diary,Welcome everyone, I'm writing this because I desperately need a vacuum to vent. To begin with, I'm 4'11 nineteen-year-old Indian female who is still stuck in the drab and dragging process of figuring herself out. And that in itself sometimes feels like a weakness or a mistake. It's like everyone around has their life figured out and I'm still stuck in the platform, still figuring out what train to take. Whenever I visit home(I study abroad), people ask me questions like what do u wanna do, who u gonna be or what you're going to become and I have nothing to answer them. Nothing. I just respond I'm still studying and I can immediately read their expressions. Like, I know they see me as another rich study abroad graduate with a useless degree. I don't blame them cause I know they can't change their ways of thinking. All of them, including my parents, are usually doctors, and their definition of success is very limited and they little to no idea of how other professions (especially ones involving art and entertainment) work. And I'm studying to be a journalist and a writer and my parents are starting to giving me weird advice, like being a journalist are all about writing about the social sense or the poor people or something. Weird. Anyway, the only thing I was ever sure about was becoming a writer. I've always loved to write. And I want to be a writer in my own free will, writing about subjects that I find interesting. And the things I like to write are usually things my parents oppose (race, sexuality, gender). And all the adults around me think I've chosen this extremely easy profession. They congratulate me on choosing a stress-free profession unlike being a doctor, or as one woman told, women should just stick to professions like teaching and journalism. Their idea of a journalist is usually someone that reads eight o clock news on the television. And they keep asking when I'll become someone like that and again, I. have no answers. Part of me feels like it's okay to feel lost since I'm only nineteen after all. Part of me questions if I ever will figure out things, if I can't figure them out now. In the end, I guess I'm just lost and confused. I guess I'm hungry for answers when I'm not even sure about the questions. And I'm trying to piece together answers for many things like my career, my sexuality, my hobbies, and interests. And the problem is, I feel selfish doing that especially since my parents say that they only sent me abroad so that they could figure out things and establish a secure future. (Secure future so that my future husband can't stop me from doing things are some shit). And I absolutely despise somebody else figuring out the answers for me (especially my parents) and I don't want them deciding where I settle or who I marry or anything of that sort. And I feel like I'm running out of time cuz I don't figure out things so soon, I will also fall into the void of collective personal decisions that Indian parents think its totally okay to make for you, and It will too late before I realize there's no turning back. And I honestly don't want that life. I want to be independent and free. And I guess I'm terrified of losing my freedom. Anyway, hopefully, this rant made sense and do contact me if u can.I'll update soon and thanks for reading.