June 17, 2019

Dear Diary,i was fine doing some painting then suddenly something tipped over and then again suddenly im on the floor picking up the pieces literally i meant.it hits like a freght train,the emptiness,depression sadness and i feel like i wnt to die.i dont understand i qas happy, content and sort of in a good place but i had to do something.i felt like i had to wake myself up so i aelf harmed and im proud of it.i feel good for 2 seconds then i just felt sick to mu stomach and so light-hearted i just collapse on the bed.the feelings just cone back and its worse.i just want to be happy again.everyone telling to focus on myself but im still figuring that out.i feel so lost and scared i have this urge to kill myself but i want to live so badly.lbattling myself is so much hard work.im trying to distract myself but nothing is working.im sorry if ive upset anyone but i dont express how im feeling i just know im going to do something bad😔