Dear Diary,
I can't put certain things on FB....like my true, blue feelings. After awhile they may send the paddy wagon, along with a straight jacket. I'm a Grandmother who was put in the position of raising a Granddaughter. When I tell you I was more than happy to do so...I was. At 13 years old she was put into the system and my husband and I fought very hard to get her out. The road has been long and bumpy. She's now 20. She hates me. She loves her Grandfather, however. He's always been the fluffy one, while I was more the disciplarian. This morning I heard her tell people she wished I would just disappear....that she would be happy if I just fell off the earth and that she hated me. This is a very deep story...too long to go into detail, but I have tried. I've tried a million times over to do what's right...only to seemingly do everything wrong. She has some very heavy issues...drugs, alcohol, abandonment, just to name a few. I should have got her help. I tried several times, but she always rejected it. I failed her. I should have never let her control things. No matter what, I should have persisted and been adamant about her getting help. Instead, I let her call the shots. Now, she's just a messed up girl, who doesn't have a clue as to what her life holds. Could, woulda, shoulda! I love her with all my heart, but I feel I've failed her in every sense. I am so sad right now and honestly, I don't know what to do. I've spent this day crying off and on all day, to the point my head hurts. I know it's ridiculous, but I just need to vent and sadly I have no one to vent to. I am a Believer. I do believe God hears me and knows my pain, but I really don't have any person I can share this with. Maybe someone out there can understand what I'm going through. Please know...I really feel a bit foolish. While I'm hurting inside, none of that matters much to me as much as my Granddaughter. I do love her and I want her to not be struggling so bad. I just am not the one to help her. I just make things worse. Thank you for listening.