June 07, 2019
Dear who this may come across,
To begin from the beginning would be more difficult than it would seem so lets just quickly summarize my life. For the past nearly 10 years I've been struggling with my addiction to drugs, it started with crystal meth at the age of 14 and continued on to start using herion at the age of 22 or so I think. I'm now 30 years old, and still currently using both drugs. I'm not proud of where my life has gone but I've become so reluctant to begin to try and get my self clean, I don't know where or how to even start. The thought of being clean and sober are just that; thoughts. It frightens me to think about how much work its going to take to get clean, and I'm scared of what lies ahead of it all. I've been struggling with my own issues other than my addiction, and it honestly worries me about what my life will become without my addiction to drugs. I don't know why its so scary to think about life without any self medicating narcotic that I use to help get me up in the morning, and help me manage the stress and anxiety I struggle with. I don't know what I am doing with my life being stuck in this shitty lifestyle that I am a part of, I want so much more than this. Both myself and my longtime boyfriend have struggled with addiction our whole lives before we found each other, and continued still using afterwards as well. We both want to start living a healthy lifestyle, and get off the drugs which are holding us back. It's frustrating to knowingly continue using knowing that it's only keeping us exactly in the same situation. I wish that I was able to just stop using dope just like that, but it's not as easy as that. Addiction isn't a choice, at first when deciding to 'experiment' is a choice, however some people are more likely to have an addictive personality which increases the likelihood of becoming an addict. More than half of the people who are struggling with addiction didn't think that they'd become an addict, it just happened in a choice that was made to try "experimenting" with drug's and other things and then "BAM" their hooked before they can even realize it themselves. No body plans on becoming a drug addict, no one decides "when I grow up I want to be a drug addict; that looks like it'd be fun!". So many people who are struggling with addiction didn't plan for it, I know I sure didn't plan to get wired to herion, or addicted to crystal meth. It happens without you even knowing it's happening, then before you're able to take a look at yourself and your life you've already been sucked into the lifestyle of an addict. I'm not sure what I am going to do in order to get my life back together and be free from the neverending hunger to use drugs; it's a long way from the finish line, and I know that it's not only going to take self control, but also being able to forgive myself without judgement for all I've done. I'm hopeful that this is the year that I can finally get myself back to my own life before my addiction took over, and start fresh onwards with a whole new level of self awareness and self reflection, as well as self respect. That's all for now, till next time!!!
Loading...