Dear Diary, if I don't make sense I'm sorry!
Things haven't been the best for me .. life has thrown me some pretty complicated road bumps and I'm not so sure I can keep going over them as they are getting bigger and rougher to go over.. I've been going over them with this blank expression like a I don't care attitude. But reality speaking my heart aches a breaks. My eyes water and tears flow down. In front of people I show I'm strong I'm powerful and I'm brave, but in the inside I'm weak I'm scared I'm worthless. With times like that I hide it from others because I know they will say things that I need to hear but I switch off and think I know better. With in reason I want to walk and say your right but it never comes to it like I'm waiting for something really bad to happen for me to be strong enough to make that choice and say Fu. I can do this.. but when anxiety is in my bones it takes that controll and I'm a slave to it. That little voice in my head says don't that's not right , even if I know it's the right thing to do but it's like it's got a hold of me. These pills I take make it easier to ignore those voices but sometimes they can sneak through and hawnt me again.. my brain is messed up and I can't make it right. When depression kicks in my eyes flood with tears and I cry my heart out, relieving that pressure that's inside, heartache , soul , body hurting me reminding me that I'm still alive and I can feel every sharp stab my body takes. There is never a safe place to go when the demons take a hold..
Life is very critical . It's short lived for most and long lived for others. Sometimes I think maybe if I wasn't here anymore id be free of it all, but I think of the hurt I would leave behind and I don't think I could put anyone through that.. I'm not sure if anything makes sense anymore but to me this is just another open door..
If I could turn back time and start all over I'd tell myself that no matter what happens in your life you some how pull yourself through it and conquer it all..
X