November 08, 2023- Life is a Race (for Me)


Dear Diary,

God- what an awful day! I've never felt more useless than I have today.

The only thing that really bothers me is how I caused my parents to fight again. Their marriage was made in hell. All of our lives, we could see it. It feels awful to say, but it's true.
But forgetting all that, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I need to stop exploring or whatever and get a better job.

I feel so ashamed of myself and where I am, even though I keep hearing that I shouldn't feel ashamed. That life is supposed to be a race. Well- it is for me. My parents are only getting older. I can't rely on them anytime something time and money consuming occurs. I do this now because I'm working a part time job while still taking classes- hoping to find something that sticks.

I had the chance to move out while I was working on my previous degree, but I was afraid of the additional cost. Now I'm wondering if maybe that was a mistake. At that age, I didn't listen to myself when I felt that it was a bad idea to listen to my parent's advice. On many things. And broken promises.

I'm also just living pretty much an excess. Buying things I shouldn't buy and eating too much.