Dear Diary,
i mentioned to my grandma how i have trouble focusing on things and keeping track of time and she replied that she found out last week she's had ADHD her entire life without knowing (she's 60 now). i've been considering the same for myself lately and it.. makes a lot of sense. why i can't do basic things like reply to texts when i get them and go weeks and weeks without talking to anyone. or why i spend literally at least three hours flipping between tabs and letting my thoughts carry me down rabbit holes every night. or why i can't remember things seconds after they happen. or why i can't do my school work until the last minute before it's due.
tonight i turned in an assignment 20 minutes before the deadline and then read 2 pages of a book before going on a wikipedia binge for 3 hours because of a few words that stood out to me.
i feel some comfort knowing that there's a reason i'm like this and i'm not just a bad person, but actually i mostly feel sad and upset. it's genetic and pathological. how am i going to get past this? how am i going to get better? i don't have access to medication right now. what can i do about this? a lot of adults with ADHD live happy and successful lives with functional relationships. what if i can't be one of them?
-----
my first steps have been to install a tab limiter on my browser that prevents me from having more than 5 tabs open, so i can't go down rabbit holes and lose track of time anymore. i have to really think and pick what i want to focus on in each moment and what tab to close to open a new one. along with that, i got a site blocker which completely blocks my social media between 10pm and 7am.
the rest i'm still working on. i want to read more but i can never focus and find the right time and place, so i'm making a commitment to take a book with me to work to read after my shift, and to read in bed for half an hour at 10:30pm each night. to do this i'll have to put my devices and snacks away somewhere they won't gnaw at my attention, probably on the floor under the bed so it would take me considerable effort to get them.
i don't know how to reach out and talk to people more regularly though. it's too easy to lose focus. i guess i'd just have to incorporate it into my daily routine.. which barely exists.
-----
one thing i'm grateful for is my girlfriend. she knows firsthand how inconsistent i can be, but she's stayed with me regardless for over three years now. she never loses faith or patience in me. it means everything to me to be with her. my motivation for treating my ADHD is to spend more time with her and make her happier.
this entry's journal prompt is, "If you could talk to your older self, what would you say?"
i would start off with a bunch of questions. first off, i wanna know what i do for a living and if i'm okay financially. i wanna know how my medical care is going and for how long i've kept my care routine. i should also ask how old this version of me i'm speaking to is for reference.
then i'd ask some more questions like if i've lived up to some of the ideals i set for myself now, why or why not, and how my beliefs have changed. then i'd have to ask questions about the world, like who the president is, or any crazy things that happen in the future.
oh my god, this gives me a great idea. i loved doing this in school. i should totally just.. do this on my own. i should write myself a letter and a list of questions to answer in, say, a year, or every 6 months.
that would be so good!!!
going to go do that.
see you in the future,
Carly