September 08, 2023


Dear Diary,

this new friends thing was, by and large, a mistake, and i got myself out as soon as i recognized that.

to be perfectly honest with you i joined in with a bad crowd of people who didn't want my friendship for good reasons. while i was there i was wanted and surrounded by adoration and attention, but i quickly became numb to it. annoyed, even. with all the clammoring and the pick-ups and the solicitations and soon the only people reaching out to me were the ones who were *no god-damn fun to talk to*.

i got the feeling that a life of near-endless choice and pleasure and attention was just.. boring. and stupid. and would leave me deeply bitter inside. i could already sense the creep of dissatisfaction like a fruit starting to rot.

while i was there, i made lots of pals, but only three friends really. three good friends. my favorite of them was a girl named Nikita. she's a true friend through and through. we really understood each other. we took each other seriously. unfortunately, she was the only one i couldn't stay in touch with as i left. it stings.

the other two.. i like them, they're nice to me, they're fun, but i wonder if there's gonna be more to our friendship than this?

in all honesty losing Nikita is another small blow just like losing Katie. and losing Katie is why i went and did this stupid thing anyway. we could have talked a lot more than we did, about much more than we did, so why didn't we?

it feels like i'm meant to be by myself at this point. something is telling me, "you have to do this alone."


i'm grateful for Nikita, god watch over her, and the other two as well. i wish Nikita good luck in everything she does and wants. i will put in as much effort as i can to maintain good, passionate friendships with my new friends i do still have.


journal prompt: "Think about what you would do with your life if you had unlimited resources and explain why."

if i'm being honest.. i don't know at this point. no clue. my current goal for the future is to study political science and public policy and become a local leader. 

fix the roads, make housing affordable, keep the prices down, get people active and organized, recover a sense of reverence and belonging to the town you were born in. all that stuff we need here.

but if i'm being honest? that's all kind of just an ego goal. something i would like to happen if *i* make it happen. a nice daydream to indulge, where i'm mayor, a commander of people, a small city hero and not just an anonymous corduroy jacket.

it's just political wishful thinking, based on some stuff i read about that i might find cool or interesting, but not really within our reach. not really *relevant* to reality. maybe we do need affordable housing and cheaper groceries, but there's no need or room for chauvinism and mad theatrics about it.

i can't imagine a future for myself. i don't know what it would look like, i don't know what i will be doing in 5 years, i don't know where i'll be living, i don't know what i really value or how i really feel about anyone, i have no clue. i feel so lost and afraid all the time.

i cannot imagine myself in my head, i cannot describe myself or why i do things in much detail, and i don't always feel like my thoughts are my own. (i sure can describe what i *can't* do though)