September 04, 2023


Dear Diary,

i've noticed all my entries are so damn negative. in the long run keeping a diary is probably just gonna make me feel bad if i only dwell on what's wrong with my life every day. so from now on i think i'm gonna try to include at least one thing that went good each day or something i'm grateful for, even if i'm still writing a lot about the stuff that's not going my way. hell, maybe i'll even try using journaling prompts. it sounds fun.

i was thinkin about my work-friend today. she's a real miracle for me. she keeps me from overthinking and makes sure i'm keeping up with school and all that, even if she can be a bit annoying about it sometimes.

specifically, i was thinking about how amazing it was for us to even know each other. 

my dad got me my job at the restaurant in January. a couple weeks before i started working, i lost all my friends for the first time and i was in a really bad place. the job was a miracle for me, it kept me grounded, got me out of bed, took me somewhere i belonged again and people liked me. it was also how i met her, of course.

there have been times i've wanted to quit from burnout or school. if i quit then, there's so much about her i wouldn't have learned, so much about myself i wouldn't have realized because of her, so much she wouldn't have done for me. my life could be wildly different. 

she's basically the only reason i got out of bed to actually register for college. she had to walk me through the whole process, step by step by step. i would have done it myself eventually, but i'd have been way too late to get into a lot of the classes i have now.

she reminds me of Katie. not necessarily her personality, but because we have a sense of mutual understanding.

i'm thinking a lot about how small choices and little miracles, like my dad springing a job on me and me deciding to stick with it, can have so much influence on the big picture later. there are so many people who have changed my life in some way just by being there, tethering me someplace or pushing me into a different one. there are so many people i've met just by being in the right place at the right time. even people and parts of my life i hate have led me to some of the things i'm most grateful for.

so what i'm telling myself is that even though i've lost a very close friend this week, and almost all my other ones too, and i don't really know anything about myself or what i'm doing, all this bad stuff happening is just one necessary piece of the beautiful bigger picture. if nothing else losing all my friends gives me a lot more energy to focus on the ones i have left, or room to make new ones.

i've been looking for these new friends, but i don't know where to find them, and i don't even feel like it's worth trying sometimes. i made a Twitter account again and started posting some stuff, replying to people, just putting myself out there, and as i looked at all my posts and all the people i was trying to befriend, a thought rose up from nowhere: "What's the point? It won't bring her back."

i was so surprised that i muttered out loud "where the fuck did that come from?"

sometimes i feel like i'm not even thinking- thoughts are just "happening" to me. i could say more about it but this post is getting long.

i'm grateful for my work-friend and all the friends i still have or will make in the future. they keep me laughing and smiling through my worst days. we were put in each other's lives for a reason.

i love you,