i don’t know what’s happening to me honestly.
dwelling more and more on the person i am i feel like a monster. if i’m being honest this is the second time i’ve lost almost all my friends at once and it’s only marginally my choice this time. before it was intentional and that made it feel better in some way. and this time, i’m holding my resolve to really leave them behind and do something good. no looking them up, no sneaking, no spying, i want a clean break but i feel their absence weighing on me. even the friends i do have i only have because they don’t know why the rest of them are so..not good with me now. or so i assume anyway. not going to mess around and find out.
i was watching tv tonight, this show called Who Is Erin Carter? (it’s very good), and there’s this girl named Harper (Erin’s daughter). she’s maybe 12, witty and swears a bit and she’s an outcast from all her peers. she has some trauma that’s being hinted at from witnessing something as a child and then witnessing something again as an older kid. she sees things that aren’t there. she sees things and starts panicking and losing track of the world and i look at her and something resonates with me.
i could list the similarities between us but it’s pretty much all there. i mean she sees things but i just hear things or feel them, and only sometimes. also, we even both spent a few years living with an aunt when we were younger.
she reminds me of a grief i’ve never really allowed myself to feel before. i can’t put it into words or maybe i just don’t like the words that come up. loss of innocence, maybe? loss of childhood in general and the feeling that it was all my fault? a lot of loss. i feel like my childhood was just supposed to be different, i mean not so fucked up and isolating, bordering on nonexistent, and i feel the responsibility for it. it’s got to be someone’s fault, right?
i don’t blame my stepmom for the ways she may have messed up because i love her and i stopped seeing her before i got old enough to be critical of her. i can’t blame my dad. i love my dad even if he’s fucked up, he’s done so much to better himself and i owe him so much and i’ve already messed things up enough between us, is how i feel. i can’t blame my mom either, she’s tried so hard and she’s the least fucked up out of all of them, she’s always taken then most care to shield me from her problems.
so the only person left to blame is myself for things going wrong because clearly everyone else was trying so hard to make things good. it’s not rational i know, but it’s how i feel, like it’s all my fault. i just want to be taken care of and loved the way i was loved then by Sandra, now i’m turning 18 and i feel so unready.
i could go on and wax poetic about all the nuances and details of how exactly my childhood was fucked up and i lost my innocence but i just want to feel better. (maybe refusing to put it all on the table and stomach it is getting in the way of that but i get the feeling i’m going to cry if i do it now. i can’t cry here)
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i’m still at a loss. don’t know how i want to be seen by others or how i see myself. i don’t know how i *want* to be seen by myself. i know my name is Carly. i picked it three or four weeks ago. it used to be Claire and Sam before that.
i know i like a few things (nerd shit so i won’t name them), and i know i keep a diary because i love to talk about myself and i hope it will help me know who i am.
i know that i like feeling i belong somewhere and this diary website almost gives me that feeling i had before.
i don’t know what else to say about myself. i’m very good at talking at length about parts of my life but if you ask me to sum it up and explain who i am i can’t come up with anything. i HATE when teachers ask you to write some little introduction about yourself and your life.
this doesn’t feel productive and it’s giving me a headache. i just want to feel good about myself right now and usually how i do that is by doing stupid risky things and throwing myself into someone’s arms. i don’t want to do that so i should establish better coping mechanisms. don’t know how or what. will try?
who the fuck is,