September 01, 2023


Dear Diary,

work was brutal tonight. we were understaffed as always. lumbered around like a zombie for the last hour.

head is aching something fierce. back is in shambles, feet feel like they got run over.

miss katie. i love her always, i’ll choose to love her again if she decides she never wants to speak to me again, i’ll feel peace hearing from her even if the last thing she ever tells me is that she hopes i burn in hell. i know she knew it already, and i know i’ve told her before, but i feel like a moron for not saying it to her every hour of every day now. who ever got me like she got me? who’d i ever get like i got her?

i don’t know why, i didn’t feel quite so strongly about her when she was right there with me. i was just calm and happy. but in her absence, long absence this time, an absence not on my terms, i’m going crazy. 

i’m starting to think it’s not even about katie anymore. something more neurotic.

someone i completely lack responsibilities and inhibitions with? someone i can say anything to? an outlet to trust someone and be trusted? true understanding? pure friendship? a savior? the mother i lost?

it could be so many things- she *is* so many things. i’ve lost so many things in her absence.

how could she be so many things? and how could i have been so many things to her? i wasn’t trying to be. i don’t know if i could be that way with anyone else. we had too much history, it took years to love each other like that. 

it seems hopeless to try, and it’s a god damn cliche, but i think i have to learn to love again

the love i felt with her was simple and total, which is why it was so pure and strong. i get the feeling that learning to love others like i loved her will look more like a process of forgetting- forgetting my desires and my hangups, forgetting my expectations for them, forgetting my fears and inhibitions, taking them as perfection exactly as they are. that’s what it was like with us

sincerely yours, forever,