everything is sore, the bottom of my lungs feel heavy, the pit in my stomach is stirring, and i have no reason to get out of bed today- no work, no school, friends are away, no community to go back to, no games i like to play, no hobbies i have the energy for.
still, i'm hungry. i passed out around 2am last night and i remember i was starting to get hungry. it was too late to eat then. i'm still hungry, and it's only going to get worse, so if that's my only reason for getting out of bed then that's okay.
i just want her to be happy. i tell myself that she would want me to get out of bed, but also, i don't want to linger on her more than i have to. she wasn't my only reason to live before, she doesn't have to be now that she's gone.
the heavy spot in my heart is getting lighter. i'm going to make some cereal, no idea how i'll fill in the rest of my day. maybe a walk would be good for me. i ordered new earbuds that came in last night, it might be nice to get some sun on my skin with music in my ears.
admittedly i've only been using my earbuds to listen to songs that remind me of her so far. that's probably not good. i don't know what's good and what isn't with this whole grieving thing.
i love you,