got a message from one of my other friends: i think you're gross by the way. have some respect. bye.
it hurt, and then i reminded myself i already lost katie. if i can let go of katie i can let go of everything else in my entire life. what do i care? i'm never going to see these people again.
still, it hurts to know i will never again have a place in the community that was my home for seven years. even if i don't want a place anymore.
i feel totally annihilated. every part of me is still and at ease, the weight is taken off, except for a small dot in the center of my chest and behind my cheeks that hurts more than anything i've ever felt in my life. it's grief and longing. will she ever wanna see me again?
talking to the handful of people i have left makes me feel happy even if the hurt still gnaws at me underneath. but now they're all going to sleep and i'm alone again.
i've never understood myself less. i have no idea what to do anymore. i just want to be loved as much as we loved each other again. but how could i ever be that open with someone like that again? katie was one in a billion and there is nobody else remotely like her i know.
still i'll move on. i just need to let it out.
the sadness is cleansing. the pain in my center is a cut, made by a sword, held by an angel.