August 30, 2023


Dear Diary,

i parted ways with my best friend yesterday. i think she might be the only person i've ever completely loved. i don't think it's physically possible for me to be upset with her anymore.

when she told me she wanted to end things, and that she didn't know if she could call me her friend right now, i just felt okay. i told her no matter what she does, i'll support her 100%, and i meant it. i was just so happy i even got to know her at all, i knew i would be okay, i just wanted to know she'd be okay too.

i've never had a friend like her before. we understood each other in a way nobody else did. i can't explain how much i love her. i don't mean romantic love, or infatuation, or lust, i mean i just loved her. i accepted her completely and she accepted me. there was no tension or fear, we had no inhibitions. we said things we've never said before. she was the absence of pain.

so i realized that if i could be this okay with the only person i really care about leaving, everything else would be fine.

it wasn't until a few hours after we said bye that i felt a twinge of sadness letting go. i felt a part of myself going, and i got the feeling that i had to get as far away from it as possible, so i left behind a bunch of people i didn't care about too much myself. growing out of them i guess.

the sadness is holy and renewing, like angel tears. i'm grieving our friendship, but i didn't lose it. it is always a part of me.

the hot water broke this morning and i took a shower in ice cold water, i felt purified, like i was brand new.

i feel brand new, i'm letting go of things, i'm starting college, i'm leaving the past behind for the last time now and i'm going to be someone real.