November 16, 2022

 

Dear Diary,


Seventeen days, no writing. Writing now.

I decided this week I would not go through with my plan. Hurting people has nothing to do with my happiness in the end. It would not make me any more complete to hurt everyone else as I retire this facade, so I won't. Especially not by doing it in such a cowardly way, destroying their trust right as I disappear before they can say anything.


I can't help but feel guilty that I've betrayed a good cause. I have no doubts that if I went through with the plan it would have done what I expected it to: upset the social order and inspire the sincere and frustrated in everyone. Arguably, the consequences of hurting a handful of people in this way were much smaller than any of the potential outcomes. I guess I just don't have the stomach for it.


Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

---


The deadline remains the same. I leave on December 13. I've been thinking all week of something I could do before I go, or something to say. I don't want my six years in this community to be gone in one month, like everyone else. I don't wanna tell them goodbye all sappy like that, or give them something they could swallow easily. They could handle it if I said "goodbye, I love you all", or if I said "good riddance, this place sucks". Those are standard last words in this community. Easy to forget about. I want something honest, strong, to make everyone reconsider the way things are going. Not bitter or hopeful, there's no need for either---just true and sincere.


But who'd read it, anyway? And who would care?

---


I'm thinking I'll start seriously focusing on my writing once all is said and done.

---


It's a weird feeling. I thought I'd be more excited about all this. But it's not exciting, even as the days count down. I think I must have like 28 days or so right now but I haven't bothered keeping count, I guess I'm trying to ignore it. I mostly just feel aimless. I'm not sure if things will be better if I go but I really doubt they could be any worse. Honestly even though I've already made the decision I don't think it's fully set in yet. I guess I'm just expecting myself to bail on this plan like every plan I've made for the last 2 years. Not gonna, this time, even though nothing could stop me, and I'd lose nothing if I did.


Jude Pariah.

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