Yesterday and today


Dear Diary, A few days earlier than today I dreamt of having my ears nibbled by a stranger who I have a memory of seeing April 30 2018.

And it felt real and it felt good but I somehow pushed him away.

I also think that he has been in my dreams a little while back when I thought it was my 6th grade crush that I dreamt of. 

Today, I dreamt about sunshine. One of his friends somehow said that he should express his feelings already. Then I can't remember the in between but when we were inside his dorm living room, there was this moment when he somehow came up running towards me while I was sitting in a school chair and hugged me from behind. I rested my face on his left arm and it felt good and warm. Things is he was also somehow rubbing himself at my back and the back side of the chair was magically gone. I guess it also felt warm. 

Then with friends still in the room, we were like sitting in the chair in different positions and it felt like we were real close. 

After that, he went somewhere else then came back with an inflated balloon in a form of a chicken and I hugged it and somehow there was something about frogs and a conversation happened and I guess I woke up. 

Ofcourse I consulted google on this and ofcourse it said Or atleast what I got from it was that something is missing in my life and I suppose that is physical touch. And it also connotes desires or unhappiness that I want to be filled, like an unmet need. 

Guess i'm starting to sexually mature. Still asexual tho. I can't really express anything outwardly other than just curiosity to people I find attractive. And that ear nibbler guy in my dream, I saw him yesternight while im with 3 highschool girls and I asked one of them who that was and he said that a lot of girls have crushes on him. yup and I guess im one of them. But really. I can only look. No outward expression and going after. That's how stiff I am. 

To be honest I don't feel shame with all those dreams. But I guess I would if this was shared to people I know. It felt so friggin real. Then you wake up and oh, it was a dream. what? yeah back to reality where I should actually do something to make things better for myself and somehow for others.

It turns out that stranger lives nearby. A person such as me who doesn't leave the house would ofcourse not know. Even if it has bothered me for sometime now. This month I have seen him a number of times and voila memories of dreams and the first time seeing him came rushing in.

The last part of my dream on sunshine was that i asked if he really meant something with intentionally going my way during discussions back then. Then he said no then i woke up feeling like that was the reality that he didn't mean any of those. 

I thought that dream was meant to be fulfilling wishes?! Why the sudden reality check? Then I woke up

It seems that with the stranger guy, I can actually confirm that I am the person having feelings of attraction rather than him. Coz i haven't even had interactions with him. And yet i was curious to his identity. 

It seems like he's younger tho. Is that an issue? I'm kind of immature so 

I usually just overhear conversations if im not in one and yesterday, a relative's words stuck on my minf and it was like that the warmth of a man is different. This was said by a trans man, or wishing to be a trans man. Then just before now, I had this dream consisting of warmth and some intimate sexual aspects. 

Mmm, yes that could've been the trigger. 

Additional google search about my waking life versus dream life was that my rational part is somehow discarding my feelings and so that's the reason i don't feel them desires while awake and turn up on my dreams. 

That is definitely a possibility. And so I agree with it. And so, am I asexual or just repressed? I'd say i'm both.