Self-esteem and fulfillment(a mess of a writing)


DD, today I pondered upon what true confidence really meant

Is self-esteem something like in knowing you're better than most others? Or is it something like being happy with what you have and accepted your identity as it is

Is it in having a long shift at work where you can barely relax and at the end of the day felt like I did some shit today so I can be fully confident now? 

Or are you feeling happy after getting to know such mesmerizing things about fish tank exists? 

Maybe when you washed your hair today and finally feeling fresh , does your self-esteem rise? 

Or maybe you had a lazy day going around in an oily bun on top of your head but you had a relaxing cup of coffee , so you realize your happiness makes you feel good about urself?

Did you feel fulfilled when you achieved a great score on your test? Or did it feel just as refreshing to solve that one math problem on your own? 

Are you really winning when you're better than certain someone or are you feeling just as fine accepting how you are and experimenting with life?

Maybe when you finally got to buy that one dress you desperately wanted to wear for one day , you might've felt like you have everything in your life now

But in reality you lost a friend that day

So what is confidence,self-esteem,happiness,fulfillment again?

Am I not allowed to ask for love and respect in my darkest days where I can barely move a muscle , or when I gain few pounds of weight? When I don't wash my hair for some days. When I'm sick and did horrible in my exams. Was I less of what I'm right now? Didn't I deserve to be fed? There were days when I had gone insane and cried all night, hit my head time to time against the washroom walls. Where was the love I wanted? Where were the people who used to sit with me because I once was a so called "great student"...lastly if I went and hurt myself would you love me the same?