February 23, 2021

 

Dear Diary,


Its not like i dont like her. She is a human. I understand that she can not be alwys emotionally stable. She will loose her calm once in a while. 


But she expects me to be numb. Emotionally numb. And then she keeps hurting me. 


She is not like what others say. She says mean and hurtful things to me. She keeps shouting at me for no reason. 


And once she is calm she will say again that she will stop shouting or she will control her anger, but never actually try to do that.


I dont like her when she shouts. And i cant even trust her to stop shouting no matter how many times she says. Because she cant change now. :/


She says hurtful words. Even when she knows that she is wrong. But she keep saying them in anger and wants me to believe that she is right. She doesn't let me fight. She wont listen that she is wrong. It makes her even more angry. And then she will spend more hours shouting at me about how i questioned her status or said that she is wrong. I dont know how to win with her in nice manner. Because she doesn't listen to nice-ness. 


And i hate being angry. Because i cant say hurtful words. I dont ever want to hurt anyone in this world. So i dont even get angry. I just get sad. I get upset. And i hurt myself. But cant hurt others. 

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